Sexlife, In our thirties

Just when we thought we got it together, learned how to have sex with a partner and have some idea who we are sexually, we start facing challenges all kinds of nemeses dampen our fire. Children knocking at the door elderly parents requiring care, peri-menopause, (yes it really can begin and in our mid thirties) a sense that were not kids anymore. 

By now we should be giving some thought to taking proper care of our sexual health. 

Many people in their thirties of are in primary relationships for quite a few years, and this can mean being faced with the challenge of trying to keep our sex lives fresh and exciting. Some people in their thirties saw having to deal with certain sexual disorders such as low desire. No wonder there's a question on many people's lips is everyone having more sex than I am?

People desperately want to be 'normal' although as I've pointed out there is really no such thing. We should try not to compare ourselves to each other. What's normal for a mother and 2 young children. and an infant is probably having very little sex. She may not be enjoying it much when she does. 

It was hard to keep my desires in check. I wanted to have sex when I wanted it, but there were the kids, that activities, our jobs constant juggling. I wanted it to be simple but this was not realistic. Less busy people in their 30's feel their sex lives need a bit of a boost may start searching for ways to enhance that. Perhaps trying out new erotic techniques, sex toys, a looking online for erotic stimulation. 

Ok making whoopee doesn't necessarily require computer and the ability to type with your nose, but don't knock it till you've tried it. 

For some the thirties is, or was a wonderfully exciting time for sex. 

In my thirties I felt quite desirable and sensual. Sometimes I would make love to two different men in one day. It was in the 1970's, so there was the pill and UDI's. and before AIDS. So you had permission to do anything and everything whenever he wanted to. In those days I pretty much run by my sexual feelings. I didnt get married until I was 48. 

This testimony illustrates very well why we cannot necessarily generalize and nature of people's sex lives in each decade. Because world history and social environment have such a huge influence. For example the arrival of the AID's crisis profoundly changed our sexuality making people far more cautious and less experimental. 

I was in my thirties when the HIV/AID's scare started. I was terrified, and realized that the party was over. All that care free stuff you 'don't I care if you do it with' stuff I enjoyed for many years was suddenly over. 

I was married then, in a monogamous relationship, but at that time there was so much conflicting information. Some people were saying HIV could be dormant from years ago, so you never knew who had it. Essentially made me scared of sex. I even made a fully faithful husband where condom. 

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Out of the ordinary

When I ask people about their erotic lives some describe experiences that sound like the plots of porn movies. (Does life imitate art?). 

I was in an English holiday resort when I woke up and realized that someone was sucking my cock. I was in my twenties at been sound asleep. It was a cleaning lady. She had had one of those nylon coats on. Once I realized it was a woman, I didn't give a shit. 

When a man and woman of an unorthodox, tastes love the man, it could be said to be introducing his foible into her quirk.  Kenneth Tynan. 

There is a broad tapestry of human sexual behavior and some people are extreme players. 

I get my boyfriend to pretend to rape me. He hides in the bushes or in my closet jumps out and forces himself on me. I don't know exactly why like it. 

There was a girl I was with, she would phone her friend and tell her what we were doing. She gave her a running commentary on the whole thing, but the whole hippie thing was going on back then. 

Im into sensory deprivation. My partner is too. We have equipment that helps us achieve this we take it in turns to zip each other into this special bag.

When I met this man who iwas into tickling. When he first asked me tickle him I thought he was joking but when I discovered how much it turned him on and how good sex became once he was aroused by tickling. I was happy to oblige. I never asked him how he came to be turned on by that.

The psychiatrists asked me if I thought sex was dirty and I said 'It is if you're doing it right'  Woody Allan. 

Sadomasochistic behaviour is fairly common and seems on the face of it to have emerged from European culture but I've come across accounts of African tribes whose traditions includes whipping adolescent women with tree branches. So there may be something more universal about it. This kind of human sex play. After all the pain and pleasure centers in the brain are very close together. 

I like to be spanked I don't know why but it's one of the most erotic things. I can think of. 

It used to just a fantasy but a few years ago I found out that many people are into the same thing. Now I have a sex partner who is a real expert. Sometimes he bends me over his knee and gives me a delicious hand spanking. Touching my **** at the same time I cum very quickly that way. Sometimes he tells me to bring him my hair brush and uses the other end in my whole. He also has a whole collection of other instruments of sweet torture paddles, canes, suede and leather. Some hurt more than others but the way he does it, is so exciting I don't mind. 

Penetration was nice I was usually on the top. For some reason I gave up the vibe that I was serious 'top' Some gay men are attracted to bowed legs. I paddled guys and had a 3 way a number of times. This shinny stick guy just loved being dominated. He wanted to be slammed around and face. Once I was with him and my boyfriend in a 3 way and we were ruffling him out that bad he got scared and swung at us violently and broke my boyfriend's nose. 

Many people find BDSM. Bondage dominatrix, Domination and Sadomasochism Strangely erotic and yet it is another one of the normative range of human sexual interest. But there are important safety considerations. And anyone who is playing in this way needs to make sure it is safe and consensual. For example even spanking can cause permanent damage if its not done correctly. Getting some education from reliable sources is essential. 

My girlfriend is a real tortureer she likes to play with temperature and is pretty creative. She likes to light candles and drip wax on me. And uses ice in different places on my nipples. The element of surprise really works for me. 

Fetishes ism is also extremely common. People can become fetishistoc about almost anything. But those I hear most about are interests in feet, toe,s leather and vinyl. 

I'm extremely turned on by certain kinds of. female feet. The foot has to be high in the arch and be nicely manicured with bright red polish. I like high stiletto sandal or high heeled black lace up but the high heel boots are the ultimate. Not too many women let me cum on their feet. I usually pay prostitutes for that service.  Or I go to sex clubs and women might let me come on their shoes. 

There is no unhappier creature on earth than a fetishist who yearns for a woman shoe and has to embrace the whole woman. Karl Kraus

Some men prefer leather but I have a thing about latex. My girl dresses up in it from head to toe , and it really gets me off. I Like the latex knickers with the **** attached, and so does she.

It's a harmless fetish isn't? 

Again the criteria for different sex, safe, sane and consensual. The above scenario seems to satisfy all 3. 

I have what one text book I read called 'erotic interests in urine' it basically it turns me on to have a woman pee on me, but many ladies don't like doing it. 

The only unnatural sex act, is which you cannot perform. Dr Alfred Kinsey. 

 Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Sex as a weapon

Sex is normally a healthy activity but there are some instances when I saw some people use sex in various unhealthy or even damaging way. There are all kinds of reasons you can be used or hurt someone.

Looking back on it now, I guess I was using sex as a means of hurting myself. I had such a low opinion of myself,  I found all kinds of horrible older men, who are only too happy to collude with me.

My husband raped me after I told him I wanted a divorce.

When I was in my early twenties a very beautiful girl made a part play for me. I was living with a serious boyfriend so I don't understand why I was attracted to her. A couple of very erotic experiences but I kept thinking it meant more to her than it did to me. One day she invited me to her place and we started making love in the living room but I had an uneasy feeling and suddenly noticed the room seemed different with an extra wall. Then I realised that I her husband with watching us from behind in a two way mirror. It was really creepy, I got out of there as fast as I could.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Erotic risk taking

Some people find it erotic to have sex in places where there is a risk of discovery. 

When I worked in restaurants people would have sex in, walk in freezers (I don't recommend that), bathrooms or anywhere they could after hours. My lover and I really want to join the mile high club but we found it rather difficult, as there is always such a line of people and since 9/11 the cabin staff seem very vigilant about where people are all time. But at last we were travelling business class and the toilet Entrance was situated away from the main corridor. So we managed a quickie. I can't say it was very erotic, there's not much room and it's pretty uncomfortable bending over the loo for a fair bit of turbulence.

I've had sex a few times in the office, over a desk on a sofa, because either it's just now on we have to do it here, or it has been pre planned. Outdoor sex Im not a common fan. The reality carries a number of incidences including getting arrested.

I once had sex in a nature reserve it was jungle like and we ended up on the ground which is very exciting until we realise were on top of the giants ants.

During outdoor sex, frostbite, leeches on the labia, neck cramps from trying to keep one eye peeled for wondering psycho doesn't get a girl as aroused as a partner might think.

A combined erotic imagination of two or more people can lead to great creativity. Unfortunately I've heard of many problems occurring when reality erupteds the fantasy.

This girl had not told me she was living with someone, in the middle of a full on role play with her in a maid outfit on when her guy came home. Suddenly she made me hide under the bed and I was stuck there for hours.

We had a few drinks and ended up playing one of those dice games. We wrote down sexy things we fancy doing and numbered them from 1 to 6. The first one was my girlfriend's choice, Sex in a neighbor's swimming pool. Not only was is trespassing, the family was on vacation but the pool is overlooked by several other houses. The only saving grace was it was fairly late at night, so it's a good chance that people wouldnt notice. We crept into the garden and flipped over the pool, She wanted me to give her oral sex sitting on the edge of the pool that she's seen in some French movie. Then we got in the water and well and might have been all those beers plus the fear of being caught but I couldn't get hard for the life of me. I guess she was more turned on by Danger than me.

We had sex in a changing room in the lingerie section of a department store I'm sure the girl in the change knew what was going on, but it seemed like she's seen it all before. Afterwards I did a fork out for 3 bras and a couple of things as well, it seemed only fair. 

I know it's cliche, but I did have sex a few times in the broom cupboard at work and once in the room where they keep the copy machine. I have my own office but theres a huge glass window, so privacy is an issue. But I must say doing it standing up in the broom cupboard can be pretty heart stopping especially when you can hear your boss dressing down a fellow employee only a few feet away.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Something on the side

In psychological terms having extramarital relationships with or without physical sex can be extremely stressful, it can be a huge strain and if the affair is discovered,  it can seriously threaten the marriage. In addition because human beings tend to meet similar types of people, often the situation is no less problematic than a primary one.

The first breath of adultery is the freest

It is difficult to find reliable statistics relating to the proportion of committed men and women. Naturally people do not want to come clean about their secret, many people think that it's men who are most likely to cheat. Judging from my clinical experience a very high proportion of women do to. Women appear to be more social and to desire monogamy. They can also feel conflicted about it.

I tell my girlfriends I want to be like Samantha in Sex and the City and date lots of men, even use them for pleasure the same way they traditionally use women. But it's always the same thing, I meet a cute guy date a few times, have fabulous sex. Then I asking the question that includes a word exclusive. Well that's a show passion killer for most guys and they always run a mile. I'm such an idiot I can't help myself. Somewhere inside me there's a housewife in an apron trying to break free.

Men may have a secret Sanctuary were only 1 woman may enter but its full of little rooms which are still vacant. Helen Rowland 

Some people cheat because they are bored and can't resist the opportunity for a bit of excitement, because they have lost the spark of sex in their primary partnerships, some people just want to feel desired for a change. Why others have extramarital sex, because they are angry with their spouses and want revenge, maybe that they feel neglected and require validation, for some people ageing is a factor that gives some reassurance. Others feel trapped in a marriage due to their financial restraint or not wanting to upset the children and having an affair is one way to escape.

He was a meat and potatoes type of lover and I don't blame him for that. However I had these urges to have the kind of erotic experiences that put me on a whole different pleasure pain plane and I was so incredibly cautious about sex. Once my lover took me to a professional dominatrix who ordered me to do all kinds of shocking things, another time I watched a woman dress my lover is a woman and then spank him and penetrated him with a dildo. I want to play parties where they were several rooms of people engaging in bondage, candle play, spanking, whipping all kinds of erotic torture. It was crazy, incredible time. Now that I'm older I still don't feel guilty about it, I look back on My Secret Life.

Sexual curiosity is a fairly common reason some people choose to stay, but there a great many more reasons. Being irresistibly attracted to someone else, not having much sex as they wished to have with a primary partner. Trying to make him or her jealous sometimes, it's because a partner is unable to have sex for health reasons, some people even have affairs in order to get out of an unhappy relationships, although this is usually and unconscious reason or having sex to become pregnant if it's not possible with a primary partner.

It was really hard to get my needs met in my marriage, it seems he had all the control and made his decisions, on top of that he had very little time for me, although he was quite available for his golfing buddies. When someone came along he paid me a lot of attention. I just couldn't resist that. I enjoyed the sex but the best thing was feeling I was appreciated. 

A partner suspecting can arouse strong feelings of sexual jealousy, something we all feel in certain situations but some of us feel it more intensely than others. Pain or sadness can be experienced by anyone at any age by anyone who is disappointed in love for a few people the desperation and hopelessness that they feel can lead to suicide or even homicide.

I was barely 20 and he was 11 years older, I was working and nightclubs to get myself through university, I usually didn't get home until 2 a.m. I walked in on him in bed with a woman I judged to be older, more beautiful and more sophisticated than me. She saw me first, sat up and shook him awake 'George you've got a visitor' I felt so betrayed the pain seems unbearable. I thought about throwing myself over and nearby cliff. He was my first and suppose that made it worse after two years together, when I thought we were best friends, he broke up with me and very suddenly very Cavalier way, I know he wanted to have the freedom to try other women. I was his first as well but I was enormously painful. I felt so betrayed and losing him became a much wider problem because I realise that most of the people in my circle were originally his friends so I became really lonely as well.

People let me know they feel sorry for me it was embarrassing and humiliating it would be over so I can start to pull myself together it's been 4 years now and I still miss him. I haven't been able to have sex with anyone since. 

Loss of love can lead to serious depression, human beings are essentially resilient and healing will take place eventually but psychological treatment should be considered if the pain last for a long time. It is necessary to seek professional help if there are feelings of hopelessness all sorts of suicide.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, More than one

People are open and willing to try different combinations partnerships that maybe unusual or an acceptable to some people.

Nothing risque nothing gained. Alexander 

I had a mother and daughter once, they were Scandinavian. I was in bed with the daughter at home and she said someone's coming. This woman came in and she said 'it's my mother' I thought Im now in trouble, but the woman took her clothes off and go straight into bed. The girls were laughing or making jokes and Danish had obviously done it before.

One night in Birmingham, my friend Graham and I were staying with another guy and his wife. In the middle of the night Graham woke me up, and wanted all 3 of us to fuck his wife. Which we did it was great, as a bit of competition about who lasted the longest. The husband wanted to watch then they all got into a position where she was sucking my cock and trying to pee on Graham, but she couldn't do it. 

I met these two army chaps and trekking in the Himalayas, I liked them both and I not had sex for a while. Both men were in to me and I was trying to decide who to focus on, when it suddenly occurred to me why not have both? I let one of my fantasies come true. We were all in my hotel room, one of them excused himself to go to the loo. At took the opportunity to come on to one of them and let him know I was available to him. He then conveniently excused himself to go to the loo, and I started playing with the other one. They seemed confused at first, but eventually they got the idea especially when I went down on one and put the other one's hand inside my pants.

It was the most exciting real life fantasy I've ever had. Imagine, that has made me reach orgasm on many occasions since.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before Mae West

Sexlife, That's embarrassing

Of course sex is not always pretty. Everyone experiences some kind of embarrassing moment during sex at one time or another.

Once I had sex with this young man has a kind of gift. He had been so admiring of me and I knew that he had put me on a high pedestal for some reason. I guess I was feeling a bit unworthy of it or something. Anyway it was the kind of the charity fuck that I later regretted. Next morning I woke up to the sound of my own unbelievably loud fart and ensuing a terrible odour. He looked at me in horror and realised my queenly image had been irrevocably tarnished. He even told me about it which was a nice but probably served me right. 

Sometimes when I'm having intercourse particularly its rear entry theres this fart-like sound coming from my vagina when he thrusts. I imagine its air being trapped and released,  but its loud and embarrassing and distracting.  I've heard it called a 'Vart', I wish I could figure out how to avoid it happening. It's not very ladylike. 

When I cum I kind of wet the bed. A lot of fluid comes out. It can be embarrassing especially with new partners and I sometimes feel like a circus freak. Although some man Ive been with really like it. I used to think It was really a abnormal but when I went online and did some research and found out that I'm not the only woman who ejaculates. With me it doesn't spread out, like the women you see in porn movies. But a lot of creamy liquid does gush out. Even though so i need a towel to soak it up. Now I tried to warn potential partners ahead of time. That can work in either one of 2 ways. Either they are really curious, sometimes uncomfortably so, or else they run a mile. 

I got breast cancer when I was only 23. I have a lot of scarring from my mastectomy and only one breast. At first I used to dress up with lingerie and a padded bra that I never took off but one day I just decided I was going to show my partners who I was. They can either take it or leave it. It's a fast way to learn what kind of man you're with.

Dr Pamela Stephensen Connelly

Sexlife, Body image

The way we feel about our bodies generally has a significant effect on our sexualality, if we feel embarrassed by or ashamed of our physical selves, that will change the way we have sex and may even stop us wanting to have it all together.

I have an extra large labia. I think larger than normal. I had pain in my crutch when I was a teenager and I asked my mother to tell me what might be the matter, when she saw my labia she reacted like I was an alien and bought the whole bridge club in to take a look. It was so humiliating, later on I had a boyfriend with an unusually large penis. When we broke up he said he thought he'd never find someone who mashed info genitally. He called me his Hottentot.

I've struggled with my body image for as long as I can remember. In early 2007 I was diagnosed with anorexia and BMI was less than 15 of the time. My BMI is now 19 and I'm still in the treatment faze. I hate the shape of my body and I hope someday I may change my feelings about my body. It has affected my sexuality and my past relationships. Where I have struggled to have any form sexual activity. 

But women aren't the only ones who may experience poor body image.

I have an unusually thin penis. When I was a teenager, this got round my school and the name 'pencil Dick' plagued me for many years. I compensated by building my body, so I attracted lots of women but I never wanted to have sex with them as that was meant they would learn about my tiny little secret. I found a woman who seemed kind and understanding and married her, eventually learned to please my wife and keep her perfectly happy sexually. But I wonder how my sexuality would have been if I hadn't been born that way?

Men's insecurities about their penises, especially size often start in childhood. Its not too difficult to sell an insecure man a bottle of snake oil if you can convince him that it will make him larger than the next guy.

Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest Neil kinnock 

Men resort creams, potions, herbs, prayers and even surgery in the hope of achieving larger penis. In several other cultures men modify their penises, often through dangerous processes such as splitting them, infibulation, inserting pearls or other objects under the penis skin to achieve a rigid affect. If only men could understand that the vagina is very accommodating organ, you can be happy with most sizes. In fact an overly large penis can be more of a problem, than a small one and that in any case many women are far more interested in how a man pleases them in non penetrative way.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, Sexual preference

An important aspect becoming sexually mature is working out exactly what kind of sex we prefer. Discovering exactly what kinds of sexual behaviour is the most pleasurable and communicating that to a partner as well as being able to discuss, what one enjoys requires an advanced level of exploration. It's also a never ending process, as a sexual tastes change throughout the lifespan. Some people evolve at the tertiary education stage of sexual discovery with great openness and truly experimental sensibility. Some even seek new experiences with new partners,  just for enlightenment sake.

I suppose I was just lucky have quite a number of partners both Men and women most of them more experienced than me. They taught me different things. I just loved how sex made me feel before during and after. I was completely open to learning all kinds of naughtiness. When I think back to some of the things I tried ,doing it in a public library, doing it with 2 men at the same time, being a woman's sex slave, I it was wild and wonderful and I don't regret any of that for a second. 

I came out in my late teens. So I was already comfortable with who I was as a lesbian. In my mid twenties I was came to find out what turned me on, but I really wanted to learn how to simulate all my partners. It became clear that every woman is different, that's when I realized listening to her body was unique.

Well some are keen to seek new experiences deliberately, others prefer to let things develop more organically by allowing feelings for special individuals with who they fall in love with to lead to the giving and receiving pleasure that seems right at the time.

I never chase women like some of my friends did, they were into sport f***ing. But I never got the point of that. To me the greatest pleasure is to really get to know one woman, to saver every inch of her body and learn how to really excite her. That's what really turns me on making her scream with pleasure. 

Sexual style develops slowly and at some point it may have to be adapted to suit changing circumstances.

I had a serious car accident when I was 22. So now I have to make love in a different way. Since I could no longer feel anything below my hips. My partner and I began to experiment with up a body sensations. At this point sex is about having a close emotional connection with him. Giving him oral sex so he can come by kissing and stimulating my nipples. 

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, What turns you on?

People respond differently to various types of stimulus. Some are most turned on by visual cues perhaps the sight of breasts, buttocks, legs or muscular arms. While others thrill to sexy words whispered in their ears. Another group of people are so tactile in their programming that nothing beats the sensation of touch itself.

Men love without their eyes, women love with their ears. Za Za Gabor

That may be true for many people, but that is not always the case. It's worth learning about one 's lover's responses whether they are more visual, auditory, kinesthetic or olfactory. After all,why waste time dressing for sex if your partner would rather you mastered the fine art of erotic conversation?

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs, except over the phone to people i do not know. Garry Shandling. 

Or what if your lover would prefer you to pay more attention to allowing your own natural aroma to invade his all have senses?

The big turn on for me was her smell. I never liked her to wear perfume because her own sent is so arousing.

I'll be back from war in three days, Josephine don't bathe! Napoleon Bonaparte.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, Is it taboo?

Highly uncomfortable, unexplainable sexual reactions that appear to violate strong societal taboos do occur from time to time. It's best simply to notice the feelings that they arouse in us, and then put them in perspective, in other words, Thats strange and uncomfortable, but Im not going to really act on that.

I did once get a very strong erection while trying to comfort my grown up sister, who was upset about something, and I once had an erotic dream about my brother. I found both totally unexplainable and neither occurred again.

I was standing beside my dad in church singing a hymn, I must have been around 19, and I suddenly had a really uncomfortable sexual feeling. I felt wet in my crotch and terribly guilty. I mean it was Gods House and this was my own father. The feeling did not last very long, and nothing like that ever happened to me again, but it was uncomfortable enough for me to remember over all the years since.

The enormous range of sexual patterns and behaviors that exists among mankind illustrates that there is rich normative variation and we should not be too quick to judge anyone. Certain sections of society have developed different sexual views and behaviours from others because the general rules are different. For example, sexual mores in some areas of the worlds rock n roll are probably shocking to many outsiders.

We'd come off stage and there'd be woman waiting for us in the green room. We didn't know who they were and we didn't care. Some guys would do it then and there, while others would fuck in the van. The women had favourites. Some groupies liked guitarists, some preferred singers. They chose you, not the other way round. The groupies were in charge, a lot of people don't understand that, they were always in control. A lot of it was about cock sucking. I thought there was not a lot in it for them, but apparently there was. And there would be a share system, if there were four guys and three groupies, the one who finished first would send her along to the fourth ones room like room service.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, The pursuit of pleasure

Most of us do it way too fast. For both men and women sex is usually much better and stress free if our goal is simply to give and receive pleasure, taking out time about it rather than to race to orgasm.

Remember if you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast. Woody Allen.

And despite common beliefs intercourse is not necessarily the best or most important part of heterosexual love making. The term 'foreplay' invites the idea that intercourse is the 'main event' and that anything else is just a secondary build up.

Don't get me wrong I love the feeling of having him inside me, Feeling filled up by his body and feeling the full lusty force of his passion is fantastic and really drives me wild. I feel close, bonded totally in love with him, and totally validated as a woman. But still that part of our love making is all about his orgasm not mine but I want to come, it cant be while he's moving inside me, it has to be at a time where the focus is all of me. 

Not everyone relies simply on the manipulation of their genitals for orgasm. The simple fact that people can have orgasms in their sleep simply illustrates this. And number of people with physical disabilities have found extraordinary ways to climax. Even managing to relocate their erogenous zones to parts of their bodies that still retain feeling.

I have a spinal cord injury, so I dont have any feeling in my genitals. But I get really turned on in other ways. I love being touched and rubbed on all the parts of my body that I can still feel especially my nipples and that combined with fantasizing gets me to orgasm. 

We can also learn a lot from gay and lesbian people you can have fantastic sex without the traditional Pattern.

Unlike many of my friends I'm one of those gay men who does loves penetration. When my lover is deep in my anus it feels amazing on a purely pressure pleasurable level but it's also kind of spiritual.

Different sexual acts have different meanings to different individuals and we should never make assumptions about what meanings might be for our partners. Thats where deep discussion and personal disclosure in an atmosphere of trust and safety can really take our sexual intimacy to a whole other level.

When I first came out and was experiencing with women who were established members of the lesbian community. I made the assumption probably from visual images, DVD's and so on that using dildo's and such to stimulate would be pretty standard. But with my past friends we have never done that. Preferring oral or manual touching to bring each other to orgasm. I'm usually hate vaginal penetration in any form, because I was rapped in my early teens, I was glad to find there was great sensitivity about that among women I met in the lesbian community. And in fact many of them had the distaste that penetrate penetrative sex. For me being held, stroked and above all feeling safe really does it for me. 

I do enjoy penetration either with a dildo or my girlfriend's fist, I find it super erotic or occasionally by a man. But having something in my vagina is not necessarily part of love making for me, and I;d say that happens only about a third of the time. 

If we take the time to teach our partners exactly what we like instead of expecting them to read our minds, we will have much more pleasure and pleasure to give it as well.

Julia told me how to make a come with my tongue. I was brought up with all the usual guy talk about vagina's being weird or unpleasant. But when I got down there I loved it. I loved her scent and I loved the taste. What an incredible flower, so many delicate folds and she guided me and I experimented myself with little flicks of my tongue in certain places that would drive her wild. Just feeling her excitement was an incredible turn on for me. She would gush into my mouth and I meant gush. 

The first time I ever enjoyed oral sex was with a guy who was a real 'sex machine' he was very good at it. With most guys I never really enjoyed it. 

As a bisexual I find that men a usually are better at fellatio. Their touch is less tentative, and that's how l like it. But I know women are much better at the tease they tend to drive me crazy and as a result. Women also take time to focus on my nipples and other erogenous zones, whereas men tend to go straight for the money. 

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, Ejaculation

Men and their partners have varying views about the length of time it takes to reach orgasm. Some men are so excited to be inside a woman's vagina or anywhere else they climax rather rapidly. If this occurs quickly than their partner wish, either of them both perceive it as a problem. 

In sex as in banking there's plenty early with drawals. Cynthia Nelms.

His finest hour last minute and a half. Phyllis Diller. 

Early ejaculation is more common when men are young, which is one of the reasons why their partners often consider them to be better lovers when they are older. Having said that intercourse that goes on and on forever It's highly overrated and I can make a woman board and sore. 

Men can either come too quickly or take too long. Premature ejaculations so or Oh my God the ceiling needs painting. Kathy Lette

Our biological responses are certainly major instigators of our sexual responses, but there are enormous benefits for those who also manage to employ their intelligence to improve their love making skills. 

My brain is my second favourite organ. Woody Allen. 

In fact the brain can control ‘Woodies' favourite organ to some extent.

For example men who tend to ejaculate earlier then they or their partners wish can actually learn ejaculatory control and sustain a longer period of thrusting. Once again a longer thrusting is sometimes desirable for partner and sometimes it is not- but many men regard it as a sign that having sexual prowess if they can last.

I once made love for an hour and 15 minutes, but it was that night the clocks was sent ahead. 

Garry Shandling. 

I don't think a man is automatically great in bed if he goes on and on for ages. In fact some of the most exciting times when you just do it in 5 minutes. Cheryl Tiegs

Some men have the opposite problem their moment of ejaculation is delayed or even nonexistent. This becomes a particular issue in the case of the man who is in partnership with that trying to achieve pregnancy. However most men can learn to ejaculate with or in a partner if they wish.

Dr Pamela Stephen Connelly

Sexlife, What is adult sex?

Many people believe that adult love making should involve being able to have really good sex. Satisfying sex is something we have to learn it doesn't just happen. There is potentially the freedom to perfect love making skills in our twenties but many young adults are still confused. Many find it difficult to pleasure their partner, while others simply cannot find one. 

All the while there remains a gap between sex as widely promoted marketing tool on what people are really feeling. Is sex peculiar to modern society, have we have recognized sex to a shadow existence?, or failed to understand our sexual responses?. Many are downright uncomfortable within normative bodily responses and many actually can be unaware of what exactly happens in their bodies during sex. 

Well it's no wonder is with all the adult censoring of sexual expression up until now. The need to hide  desires or lack of education is quite unreasonable to expect. Will a person will become entirely sexually healthy, so proficient without a lot more work?. 

Some people believe that embracing spontaneity. 

When I was in my twenties sex just happened I barely thought about it. Spontaneity is all very well and lovely, without considering the consequences of sex but it can cause more trouble than it's worth. 

See the problem is God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robert Williams. 

What exactly does happen in our bodies during a sexual experience? Does the term 'sexual experience' really mean anything? from having a flirty verbal encounter with a stranger on an aeroplane to a telephone conversation. Sex is anything that involves arousal of a sexual nature. 

My son's best friend from University and I was standing in line in our kitchen after the best tea party it was awesome. He was simply helping me with the dishes. But his presence made me nervous. I had been aware of his interest in me, but I tried to ignore it. He suddenly picked up the largest strawberry and placed it close to my lips, he had such a look of boyish gooey eyes that I felt compelled to open my mouth wider and swallowed. He smiled triumphantly as I swallowed it. Afterwards I was stricken with guilt. It was the hottest wickedest experience of sexual penetration I've ever had while fully dressed. 

Sex with the right man is a beautifully moving and lovely, Sex with a stranger on a train in the dark is even better 

Even just desiring to have sexual contact with someone is a human experience of sexual nature. Sexual researchers have tried to analyze and informally describe the human response form anticipating a sexual act through to the finale. The famous researcher William Masters and Virginia Johnson came up with the model of the human sexual response in four distinct stages. Excitement plateau (a kind of leveling off) they thought happened just prior to the rush of the orgasm, Resolution where the body returns to its previous state. 

Since my penis had a mind of its own, it really influenced me. I have to do it right away, it won't take no for an answer. So if an awful woman in question brushes me off my right hand has to do the dirty work. I still look at the woman after she has let me inside of her and think my penis is less discriminating me. 

Sexlife, Extra challenges

Adolescents who have developmental disabilities and members of certain other groups such as those with mobility impairments experience unique challenges that are often not met by Social Services.

Example a sexually active teenager with poor fine motor skills will have considerable difficulty just putting on a condom, people with special needs have to be extremely Creative in finding a way to express their sexuality, they need help and special sex education that addresses there specific concerns. 

I have Aspergers, I really like girls and I think they should be attracted to me because I'm a good looking guy, but I think the way I approach them sometimes, I try to talk to them about music by just ask if they want to go out with me. Sometimes they're nice but they are often treat me like I shouldn't of asked.

Adolescents with special needs may not always be able to get certain types of help. 

I feel very conflicted about how to help my daughter who has special needs with her sexual feelings, when she was a young child we had to figure out how to get her to stop a touching herself in public and she still does that sometimes. Now she's a teenager and were terrified someone might try to take advantage of her. We've done our best to explain things in a language she would understand but she is very impulsive and might just let someone touch her up. She might do something inappropriate or worse if I'm honest although this is something I hardly day voice. I worry she might become pregnant, honestly that's a bigger worry than if my daughter who does not have special needs became pregnant.

Adolescents with special needs certainly deserve to enjoy pleasure and safe sexual expression. 

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, Heartbreak pain and inequality

Many teenagers experience devastating Heartbreak, they are usually unskilled at negotiating relationships expressing feelings and dealing with rejection. They can undergo considerable emotional pain without knowing how to handle the situation that caused it. It can be particularly difficult for teenagers when parents mandate separation from someone to whom they are strongly connected with.

When I was 17 my boyfriend had to break up with me because his Mum found and unflushed condom in the toilet. We we're going to his house during lunch for a quickie.

Frankly if I was the parent in the above example I would be enormously grateful that my son was being safe and after a bit of investigation would probably encourage the relationship.

I know it can be shocking to be confronted with evidence of your child sexuality, but too often adolescents are left with a feeling that they're normal sexual desire and expression is on par with an axe murderer. It can have a negative effect on their later life sexuality. What teenagers are feeling and what is expected of them are unspoken and complex, affected and defined by development and influences. There are so many aspects of the human experience including biological, Social, Cultural, religious, familiar, interpersonal and psychological. 

It seems like whatever I was doing, it was always wrong, I could no longer trust my instincts because my instincts were telling me to do things that would invariably get me in trouble.  

What many people don't understand is that adolescent sexual expression is not just about sex.

Sex is bound up with the normal stage of psychological development even the troubling stuff and having a stressful home environment will have a significant effect on every aspect of a teenager's life including sexuality.

I don't really remember any sexual feelings starting at puberty, if anything my feelings would die during puberty because of stress and disruption at home. Pending divorce and lots of fighting.

As far as sexuality was concerned, I was just doing what I thought I should be doing, it was like trying to navigate my way through a minefield in the dark, with no one to tell me what was ok or what was normal.  I so much wanted to be normal but I didn't know what that was. I wasn't in touch with my own emotions or desire at all. I was a follower desperately trying to fit in puberty. It was a total Labyrinth to me. It does hurt me to think about it. 

When I was 13 I had a slumber party for my birthday I was a shy girl in school and didn't have a boyfriend, but one day the girls in the popular group decided to let me in. I was so happy sexually they were so advanced, I invited them to come over for my birthday, but what I didn't know was that those girls told their boyfriends to come over in the middle of the night. They climbed in the window my father was very strict. He came downstairs of caught the boys hid under the sleeping bags, but my father grabbed them and called their parents 'Do you know where your son is right now? in my house in my daughter's room' he scolded me saying 'I can't trust you anymore'. But I only want to be popular, I think it scared him so much, but it was terrible I never had another party. The popular girl's never want to hang around with me because I had this furious father. 

To this day my father is never been interested in any of my boyfriend's.

Events such as these can leave massive scars on a person psyche, young woman in question learn that being involved in sexual behaviour even if it was not her own, calls her to be shunned, mistrusted and punished. But learning aside some people young start off at a disadvantage. Unfortunately teenagers are not all equal in terms of gender sexual orientation psychology character physique intelligence privilege, background, race,  ethnicity, and many other salient factors that can affect the choices they make, or don't when it comes to sex.

There was this boy, he was 13 and I was 15 and we will go to the woods to give each other full on blow jobs to the point of ejaculation, but when I came out the fooling around stop because he was black and his family was not Liberal. I didn't see him for 3 years but when I was 19 I went into a gay bar and there he was he was 17 gorgeous holy shit, he looks older than me really mature I could drink. We started making out and went back to his sister's house but he still wasn't out and had a very religious family, so we had to see each other secretly, we fell in love, I asked him to marry me and he said yes. Two years later he was shot and killed. At his funeral I looked like I was on something. People are like who the hell is that white boy rocking back and forth crying? 

This tragic story, like many I have heard, really Illustrated deeply our sexuality. In time with the values of our family religion race and many other aspects of our society and background, how terribly difficult it can be when love and sexual passion are at odds. With all of that certainty teenagers face seemingly unsurmountable barriers against asexual self-expression especially gay-bisexual and transgender young people with special needs and anyone who's family subjects to their parents. 

Partners choices for one reason or another, such difficulties can become so intense that many adolescents become hopeless and at risk of suicide. Some teenagers and their families struggle with poverty and lack of equal opportunities for education and a hopeful future. Many adolescents are at risk of experiencing negative sexual consequences such as becoming homeless pregnant or abused. Some may run away from home, turn to prostitution or abuse alcohol or drugs. Teenagers are at risk of unsafe sex practices and contracting HIV or other STI. Teenagers at risk need help in the form of realistic sexual education counselling and support services. 

After my mum went to prison I more or less lived on the street from the age of 14 till I was almost 17 sometimes I get cash working as a rent boy but my addiction meant that I could never get stable, any way I'm now 19 and I've been HIV positive for 4 years now but at least I'm clean.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, Setting boundaries

Many adolescents after much trial and error do their best to set boundaries according to what feels right to them and to make decisions about how far they will go. Girls are not the only one to set limits on where they can be touched in which sexual acts they will engage but they are more likely to do so than boys. Of course the heat of the moment can change resolve and so can the use of alcohol or drugs or peer pressure. It is also an important factor those whose friends are sexual experienced or admired and respect if they reach certain milestones such as having intercourse are more likely to do it. 

So when you find the place where a woman loves to be fondle don't be ashamed touch it more than she does

There is quite a bit of evidence to suggest oral sex is becoming more frequent among teenagers.

Although it mainly involved girls performing Fellatio on boys, some that I've spoken to said they regarded oral sex as less troublesome dangerous or meaningful than intercourse. That was pretty common among them, many did not define it as having sex and regarded as means of increasing ones popularity. Unfortunately teenagers do not always understand that it carries a risk of acquiring HIV another sexually transmitted infection. 

Our family never talked about oral sex the general idea was that everyone was too young to have intercourse, that it was not viewed as sex so we did oral sex. Just girls giving Blow jobs there's actually a lot of pressure put on girls to give us guys blow jobs. The first one was Gretchen she gave Steven a blow job then she boasted about it. She thought it was cool, she was chubbier than some other girls. She was always doing things to make herself seem sexy but it backfired. At first all the boys gave her a lot of attention but then everyone turned on her especially the girls. After that she only dated guys outside of school and tried to hide it.

The first time I had sex I was 18 in a graveyard. It was after a dance in a nearby Village they were very few places to go. There was a girl from The Village who would suck my cock. I heard about this but never believe it.  I thought the other guys we're lying about it, I thought it was amazing oral sex. At school mainly girls giving blow jobs and hand jobs to me and my mates, but me I was curious so I was interested in both giving and receiving.

From about 11 years old we had sex education which was very informative they told us about STDs and how to put on a condom. Actually I wasn't that keen on blow jobs and usually my erection would disappear. But there was rumours about certain girls and how they were 'sure things' and did a lot.

Once after having sex a girl told me how many people she has slept with, it was a lot, like 50 men and she was only 19. I felt extremely dirty and got a check up. I think she told me this because I gave her a first orgasm.

I would rather have a girl pleased than let her do something to me. I like to cuddle and hold to be romantic, compassionate. My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Having a steady girlfriend or boyfriend has some advantages in particular the women I spoke to attended to think it allowed sexual exploration to progress to a manageable rate while providing a means to a fair amount of pleasure and excitement.

 I had a boyfriend who use to park his car at the top of the mountain and we would pet ourselves silly, it never lead to intercourse.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, Forbidden fruit

Sexologist Dr Jack Ma came up with a sexual equations desire + obstacle = eroticism 

This means that you have sexual desire or Razzle which most teenagers have a lot of time and then some kind of obstacle to satisfying that desire, which teenagers also face most of the time. The erotic charge will be even greater than it would have been without the obstacle, if you think about it the most erotic experience you've ever had, I bet that it involved a major obstacle. For example someone you shouldn't have been with, a situation you should have not been in, or some kind of to do Act.

Am I right this is ubiquitous teenage sexual challenge heightened eroticism at every turn. My most exciting sexual experiences were when I was young and there was naughtiness involved. For example when we were 10 feet from my boyfriend's sleeping parents in a cabin or when I was in a rower floating on a river.

 By the time i was 16 I had my first boyfriend and he will come to my house we never had penetrative sex but he touch my genitals and we kissed while my parents were right upstairs. I only became aware of the full potential for pleasure in my early teens. It was very exciting and also very wicked we thought I was a Catholic boys school.  We talked about little else other than girls and how it to get the best way now and how to not get caught doing it.

Teenagers rest from hand holding to kissing to tongue kissing to breast touching to rubbing against each other to touching each other's genitals through clothing and then direct genital touching.  Young men ejaculate inside their clothing. At any stage this progressive Pardon often like into the game of baseball is Taught by siblings cousins and peers of course it doesn't always occur exactly in that order. 

The First kiss Is Magic the second is intimate 3rd is routine after that you just take the girls clothes off Raymond Chandler 

Girls also acquire arbitrary rules from those who know little if anything more than they do.

We all believed you could kiss on the first date let him touch your boobs on the 2nd and maybe giving my blow job on the 3rd anything else and you're a slut. 

It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner. Ladies Home Journal 1948

Kissing is also extremely important as it is usually is an adolescents first close intimate experience.

When I was 14, I was at a Catholic Girls school and I had very advanced girlfriend who said there's some cute boys in the public school.  We went over there and there was one especially cute guy and I decided to approach him because I want to learn how to kiss. I didn't break that kiss for about half an hour   

The first time I had a proper kiss I was both excited in the extreme and also rather disgusted he put his tongue so far into my mouth I started to understand the expression tonsil tickling. I didn't quite know how to respond so I just let it happen.

Breast fondling is a major erotic pleasure for both boys and girls the female underwear industry has capitalise underway industry has capitalise on the fact that visual appeal of apparently large breasts it's pretty well guaranteed to have the desired effect.

I use to stuff my bikini tops with socks they improve my cleavage but made my chest extremely heavy when wet, for that reason I tended to avoid the surf.

When I was around 15 I used to go to a cafe and I was a girl there who I would walk home from the cafe and would sneak into the outhouse and kiss.  I felt her tits, she unbuttoned her blouse, unhooked her bra then open my shirt and pulled me towards her, too bare chests. I thought I died and gone to heaven. We did it several times and eventually she masturbated me as well, she like being stroked outsider knickers but she wouldn't let me put my hand inside.

Whoever named that necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

sexlifefan: Sexlife, Eroticism

sexlifefan: Sexlife, Eroticism: Eroticism with much dramatically changing body and emotions to match, how many of us who have safely passed through the other side of the tu...

Sexlife, Eroticism

Eroticism with much dramatically changing body and emotions to match, how many of us who have safely passed through the other side of the tumuultous teenage years would willingly go back? Probably those who missed experienced such Heightened eroticism.

I Remember how powerful touch was I was a 14 years old,  I remember being at the drive-in with a 19 year old boy and my tag along brother all sitting in a row. All this boy did and I did was hold hands but it was very intoxicating my parents caught on and called his parents telling him not to come by anymore.

Many people I see in therapy especially those struggling with lack of desire say things like even just holding hands in a movie was more erotic than any sex in my current life and contry to the popular belief having erotic feelings brought on by holding hands is a sexual experience American President Bill Clinton was not alone in using the terminology to his advantage when he said 'I do not have sexual relations with that woman' . There many possible tions for phrases like having sex having sexual relationships or making love but essentially your sexual pleasure is deliberately endangered by any kind of contact including on the phone or via the Internet or inserting a cigar in a woman's vagina as Clinton is said to have done it can be defined as above.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Self pleasuring

In fact masturbation is the main type of sexual activity experienced during adolence, and teens seem to do it just as often whether they are as separately having sex with a partner or not.

Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the 19th century it was a disease: in the 20th, its a cure. Thomas Szasz

People I interviewed used terms such as ‘want’,’wacky’, ‘jerk off’,’beat off’ or ‘beat the meat’, and for girls t was ‘rubbing off’, ‘rolling the pill’ or ‘fingering’. Most people self pleasure as children, but some do not start until they are in their teens..

i Started masturbating at about 16. I knew it was ‘ver, very, wrong’ and that the wrath of God could strike at any moment. The subject was never ever mentioned by mother, or adult relations!

Although masturbation is something that people do through out their lives, at this point ( and earlier) it partly serves the purpose of being a rehearsal for partner sex a means of discovering how our bodies work, which can latter be imparted to another person thus help achieve proficiency and satisfaction in lovemaking. As a matter of fact during the course of my work as a sex therapist I have noticed that some people who missed this important stage of self discovery may have significant problems later as an inability to orgasm.

But masturbation style is also important. During puberty boys tent to learn and masturbate to an orgasm as fast as they can before anyone catches them. This pattern can become entrenched, and some theorists believe that this can make it difficult for them to slow down, as required, when they are eventually with a partner. It could, therefore, be a possible contributing factor for some men who struggle with early ejaculation.

I had to wank in our one bathroom because I shared a room with my younger brother and there was no where else private enough in our house. But pretty soon one of my three sisters would be knocking on the door and calling out to mum if I was taking too long. Between all the hours they spend fixing their makeup and on, I often thought I was going to die of frustration. I learned to cum really fast usually in the shower. During those years, cleanliness was next to happiness.

A first orgasm may occur prior to puberty, with or without ejaculation, but when ever it happens its usually a surprise.

My first ejaculation occurred while I was stimulating myself. I remember it very well. I was about 15. Then I tried to make it happen again and again. Soon after that first time I had a wet dream, which was brilliant, so I actually tried to resist waking so that I would have a dream again. This plan didn’t work very well, but it was the nearest thing to cutting back that I ever did.

Many men have also told me they masturbated in the company of teenagers.

At around 13 or 14 my cousin and a friend and I used to go cycling. When we got into the countryside, we’d skim a few stones in the river, sit down and have a talk then we would want all together in a circle. It was kind of fun, but sone guys were ahead with more mature penises, which put a competitive edge on the whole thing. We were really spying on each other, sizing each other up. People would say things like ‘ Have seen the size of so and so’s cock?’ Ejaculated sperm was called ‘spunk’ and we called orgasm ‘having a thrill’. Boys would ask, “have you ever had a thrill?’ I remember being told that when you have a ‘thrill’, ‘spunk’ comes out. At that stage I knew what the ‘thrill was, but I wasn’t getting any ‘spunk’.

Some men look back at experiences as embarrassment, privately wondering if it was actually a homosexual encounter. Although it is certainly a style shared in erotism it would not necessarily be homo erotic. Naturally most heterosexual view ‘jerk circle’ behaviour as ‘buddies jus having a good time together’

When I told my best friend I was gay, he said ‘No your not’. WE had often wanted together. I guess he thought ‘ what does that make me?’

Homosexual experimentation is quite common during adolescence but, in fact, ‘circle jerks’ are qualitively different experiences for gay youngsters.

Girl are less likely to engage in masturbation wit other girls, but they usually discover their capacity of organism in someway.

I had my first orgasm when I was 17, in the middle of a yoga class. There was this position where we lay face down and grabbed our ankles behind our butts and rocked backwards and forwards. I dont think I knew what orgasm were but I thought it was fantastic and repeated it every chance I had. I became extremely limber during that time. If only Id known I could achieve the same thing with my finger.

Dr Pamela Stephenson