Most of us do it way too fast. For both men and women sex is usually much better and stress free if our goal is simply to give and receive pleasure, taking out time about it rather than to race to orgasm.Remember if you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast. Woody Allen.
And despite common beliefs intercourse is not necessarily the best or most important part of heterosexual love making. The term 'foreplay' invites the idea that intercourse is the 'main event' and that anything else is just a secondary build up.
Don't get me wrong I love the feeling of having him inside me, Feeling filled up by his body and feeling the full lusty force of his passion is fantastic and really drives me wild. I feel close, bonded totally in love with him, and totally validated as a woman. But still that part of our love making is all about his orgasm not mine but I want to come, it cant be while he's moving inside me, it has to be at a time where the focus is all of me.
Not everyone relies simply on the manipulation of their genitals for orgasm. The simple fact that people can have orgasms in their sleep simply illustrates this. And number of people with physical disabilities have found extraordinary ways to climax. Even managing to relocate their erogenous zones to parts of their bodies that still retain feeling.
I have a spinal cord injury, so I dont have any feeling in my genitals. But I get really turned on in other ways. I love being touched and rubbed on all the parts of my body that I can still feel especially my nipples and that combined with fantasizing gets me to orgasm.
We can also learn a lot from gay and lesbian people you can have fantastic sex without the traditional Pattern.
Unlike many of my friends I'm one of those gay men who does loves penetration. When my lover is deep in my anus it feels amazing on a purely pressure pleasurable level but it's also kind of spiritual.
Different sexual acts have different meanings to different individuals and we should never make assumptions about what meanings might be for our partners. Thats where deep discussion and personal disclosure in an atmosphere of trust and safety can really take our sexual intimacy to a whole other level.
When I first came out and was experiencing with women who were established members of the lesbian community. I made the assumption probably from visual images, DVD's and so on that using dildo's and such to stimulate would be pretty standard. But with my past friends we have never done that. Preferring oral or manual touching to bring each other to orgasm. I'm usually hate vaginal penetration in any form, because I was rapped in my early teens, I was glad to find there was great sensitivity about that among women I met in the lesbian community. And in fact many of them had the distaste that penetrate penetrative sex. For me being held, stroked and above all feeling safe really does it for me.
I do enjoy penetration either with a dildo or my girlfriend's fist, I find it super erotic or occasionally by a man. But having something in my vagina is not necessarily part of love making for me, and I;d say that happens only about a third of the time.
If we take the time to teach our partners exactly what we like instead of expecting them to read our minds, we will have much more pleasure and pleasure to give it as well.
Julia told me how to make a come with my tongue. I was brought up with all the usual guy talk about vagina's being weird or unpleasant. But when I got down there I loved it. I loved her scent and I loved the taste. What an incredible flower, so many delicate folds and she guided me and I experimented myself with little flicks of my tongue in certain places that would drive her wild. Just feeling her excitement was an incredible turn on for me. She would gush into my mouth and I meant gush.
The first time I ever enjoyed oral sex was with a guy who was a real 'sex machine' he was very good at it. With most guys I never really enjoyed it.
As a bisexual I find that men a usually are better at fellatio. Their touch is less tentative, and that's how l like it. But I know women are much better at the tease they tend to drive me crazy and as a result. Women also take time to focus on my nipples and other erogenous zones, whereas men tend to go straight for the money.
Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly
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