Sexlife, Sexually liberating

By contrast I spoke to a number of people who found their 50's to be the most sexually liberating time of their lives.

 Just before my menopause symptoms kicked in, I suddenly had a spirt of sexual energy that I could barely control. It was like I was in my early twenties again. Although I made some bad mistakes with men at that time, it was definitely fun.

Now in my fifties, I've started to rediscover my partner and our sex life. Even brought sex aids. Things improved dramatically. 

I honestly reaching 50 turned my sexual world upside down. I was bored with my husband and we hadn't had sex at all for several years, but didn't want to end my marriage, which was good in many ways. I suppose I was panicking a bit about ageing. At the exact time I met a young man, who really got my hormones going. He made me feel like I was a teenager. I feel guilty about that age difference and there were all kinds of problems between us. But the sex was so fantastic I didn't care. I realized that even being menopausal doesn't have to stop you having the best the wildest experience ever. 

Turning 50 has really freed me from all that body consciousness stuff. When I was younger in my thirties and forties I use to make sure my man never saw me naked from behind, now I say to myself he's not with me because of my looks, so I can relax and leave the light on.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Preparing children for physical changes

Children also need help understanding sexual development of their own body. Somewhere between 6 and 12 years today. The first physical signs of puberty begin. A sense of privacy about the changes tends to develop as well, but the bodily changes can be disturbing even frightening. If a child has not been prepared for such events. In fact these changes can still be hard to deal with when children do understand what's happening to them and why.

At the age of 10 my friends at school told me girls bleed and I was horrified. I remember hearing them arguing about whether blood comes out of the back or the front. When I was finally told about menstruation, my father who is a vet related it to a cat. 

Children are extremely eager to learn about their sexuality developing bodies, if denied proper information, they usually turn to extremely untrustworthy sources of information.......other children.

We thought babies came out of the mother's belly button. I spend a lot of time trying to imagine how that will be possible a big baby from such tiny hole. Actually I wasn't too far wrong on that one. 

Someone told me to get pregnant from French kissing. 

My girlfriend told me that if you get a cold when you got your period, you got one every single month thereafter. I was terrified, once a month is an awful lot of sneezing. 

Without proper information young people make all kinds of incorrect assumptions about what is going on in their bodies and end up being far more tortured then they need to be.

Dr Pamela Stepehson Connolly

Sexlife, Impact of aging

For the first time women in their forties, women notice wrinkles and the affects of gravity on their body. Women tend to feel they are in a beauty contest everyday of their lives and start trying to camouflage their body or consider major reconstruction.

I have my first facelift when I was 41, and Ive had more work done every few years since then. I think it's a mistake to do it all at once, it's far too noticeable. This way I can keep gravity at bay forever if necessary. My husband doesn't understand why I do it? he says that he would love my body even if I allowed it age. But you just cant trust men. 10 years from now he might run off with the secretary and where would I be?

Lack of body confidence can strongly affect anyone sexuality. Self consciousness and embarrassment can distract us from focusing on pleasure. This can occur in both men and women and of course culturally prescribed values in our society. Such as the emphasis on slimness.

Women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men, as women instead are too judgmental. Because men are just grateful. Robert D Niro. 

Gay men in their forties have few screen role models. Many complain to me made that they are no longer universally regarded as being sexually vibrant. Some adapt to their roles in sugar Daddies status. In hope of attracting young man he valley security, more than youthful sex.

Bob is always trying to get me to go the gym,  he's not a perfect specimen himself. But he excuses himself because he makes more money than I do. I guess I have got to keep up my looks as his arm candy, but I've got a full time job to. 

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Getting flirty

Sometimes people in committed relationships are afraid to flirt but happen to think it could be a good thing. Social dancing is probably the most common and acceptable way for people to engage in a little 'safe' hanky-panky.

Dancing is perpendicular expression of horizontal desire. 
George Bernard Shaw. 

Obviously destructive flirting for example to deliberately hurt ones partner or in a business situation is fraught with potential problems. But if theres no threat of a lawsuit and you're a good judge of how it is being received, flirting playfully can be uplifting and fun. 

There are times not to flirt. When your sick, when you have children and when on the witness stand. Joyce Jillson. 

Generally allowing yourself to be more playful can be affirming and increase your optimism and joyful outlook on life. Too often couples get settled down in the duties responsibilities and forget to have fun together.

It had been years since we took time off on holiday together. I think we needed a break from the children. You forget how much more you feel like having sex when your warm and relaxed. Not having to get the 7.15am train in the morning helps as well. 

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Sex and self image

People in their 40's who take care of their bodies, through a healthy diet and exercise and take steps to reduce their stress, will feel better about themselves. They will have a better body image until and feel more attractive ( if we feel more attractive, others tend to think we are too).

I find that if I pay attention to the way I look maybe dress up, get my nails done put on some lacy underwear. I'm more open to responding to subtle advances by others. I really sleep with people who I've only just met. The point is, that I like to feel the options are there. The days the options are not there, I wear my reducing bra and old knickers.

Depression anxiety and sleep problems such as insomnia or sleep apnea can all affect sexual relationships. The arrival of such problems should be taken seriously, and treatment should be sought. Likewise having to face serious physical illness or disability can present serious challenges to the maintenance about sex lives.

One of the awful things about going through chemo is the constant thrush. It never seemed to go away. I suspect that's because my immune system was down, but the worst thing was feeling a burden to my husband and family. I somehow decided I wasn't good enough anything including sex. We had a couple of failed attempts at lovemaking. But eventually I got well enough to say take care of the family. It gave me my confidence, and my sex life returned. 

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Giving it up

Some people in that 50 stop having sex with other people either by choice or otherwise. There can be a number of reasons why.

When my youngest were 16 and 17 we we're still sharing a bed, but I was getting increasingly bored with the mechanics of sex. So much disengagement. I wanted a divorce. I was in this country all by myself I lost my original citizenship. Finally I said 'Im done, Im bored. I want seperate bedrooms, and its been that way ever since.

It makes me really happy I had such a great active one while I was younger. I wouldn't change a thing about my past.

It's gone I want to figure out how I can have a sex life again. 

All through my thirties and forties i was busy with the children and barely have time for sex. I noted that it was difficult for my poor husband, in those decades. But now things have reversed. My husband's interests is diminished. It really doesn't seem fair. 

Some people stop having sex because they loose that sexual confidence as a result of body image problems. 

Im less secure about my body now at age. When I was young I had no qualms about getting naked and strutted in style. Now much more shy, although I'm still not what are called self conscious. 

As I get older I would say that I'm more self conscious in general. But I have no problems with arousal. The desire is more complicated.

I think of my chin hair now as a stray eyebrow. 
Dr Sharon O'Conner. 

Feelings of physical inadequacy are more likely to emerge if a woman in her fifties considers herself a composition with younger women.

Men and women seem so different about sex. Men can have a quickie without feeling bad, I suppose if you women can. If you believe that character from Sex in the City. But I'm not one of them. I'm suspicious now and understand that about me. It's a conundrum. Part of me wants to get back into a relationship, while the other says I don't wanna go through another depression of feeling rejected because he wants a 20 year old. 

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Special Challenges

Some gay men and lesbians and bisexual people my have unique challenges as they age. For example some belief that the competition to be young, vital and attractive is more accurate in the gay world than it is for heterosexual people.

Im not happy with the way my **** has aged, it hangs lower than it used to. Everything just looks well old and it effects the way I am with my partner now. 

It's harder to find sexual parters now. I last lover was 15 years younger. He was a real wild man all emotional spirit a lot of a man. We were together for 6 years until he died of aids. He also was a terrible drug addict and smoked crack the time. I lived with him once he got sick. 

My cousin is 55. She's a lesbian and she was raised a strict Catholic. When she came out it attracted a lot of attention, because she's very Butch. She's a police officer. She came to visit me and brought her girlfriend. But recently she became 'born again'. Now she doesn't think of the self is gay even though she lives with a woman. She thinks she's given up lesbianism for good. She actually believes all that bullshit about gays going to hell. So she's trying to live the straight life before she dies. She's in denial about of sexuality. I don't think you can just walk away from being a lesbian. 

They can also be exceptional challenges for middle aged people living with physical or mental disability.

I'm bipolar and its been a problem all my life. It's tough when I have an episode to make the right decisions. There are lots of good ideas to go to bed with someone on now, but even at my age. I have to have ask someone to take care of me. That means at times I have to leave decisions about sexual appropriateness to someone else. Not fun for a 54 year old adult. 

When I ask about personal definitions of sexuality, people in their fifties suddenly seemed more resolved in their acceptance of that going on others sexual preferences are.

My definition would involve two people who are attracted to each other. Comfortable with themselves and their sexuality and interested in playing and finding what they like sexually. It would involve an exploration of each other's body. 

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, toxic sex

Sadly some people get in to toxic sexual relationships from which they find it difficult to withdraw from, for reasons of unhealthy bonds. They usually need psychotherapy or counselling to help them change their pattern making, to end such unhealthy choices.

He would beat me up, and then when I was lying in a crumpled heap on the floor crying hysterically he would have sex with me. I' responded because a little human touch at that point means everything. It was erotic, but it was really sick. 

The ultimate toxic relationship is incest and this is more common than people think.

When I was a teenager I started having sex with my father. Most people would think of this as abuse. But how I feel about him, I adore him. And I'm really happy to express my love for him this way. I have that closeness with him. Now I'm in my thirties, I see him very often but when I do we usually have sex. It's only become a problem. Because I think my stepmom caught on last time I visited, she kicked me out of the house. 

This testimony will be shocking to most people, because the actions of the father and daughter. As a psychologist and sexologist my task is to avoid being judgmental of the individuals involved. That testimony. is simply is an illustration of just how diverse human sexual behavior can be.

I have also had many counts of people who engage in sexual activity with their animals.

I wank my dog, because I want him to have pleasure to. 

As its well illustrated by the testimony, there is an incredibly wide variety of human sexual behavior that if not stopped or discovered in early adulthood can lead to trouble.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Conolly

Sexlife, cyber sex

Its pretty hard to avoid and those who type and masturbate at the same time. It certainly redefines the art of multitasking.

I like to watch p*** I know it's mainly for men but it gives me ideas and then I have sex.

Wanking is nowhere near as good as the real thing, but at this level there's no difference from using a DVD.

I wouldn't judge people that get off on it, but it's not for me. Mainly because it's so much better when it's real.

Sexual media influence, generally affect our sexuality far more than most people recognise. They are not always negative, but they are a strong force that can often alter people's expectations, provide unrealistic notions of what sex is all about. The messages I've received about sex are mainly from movies magazines and selling.

I've been keen on sex since childhood, cinema and books will get you one way or another, love all hate them. Whether it's Romeo and Juliet, Beyonce, United States or Tara (an American TV show). I feel I'm an island in most regards when it comes to the media.

This debate about pornography erotica continues the politically correct term is an oxymoron, the fact is many people are drawn to it and unfortunately many received the bulk of a sex education from it.

My wife was featured posing in a sex magazine I couldn't wait to get hold of her glossy spreed and whack off to it. I know I've got the real thing at home. But seeing her all airbrushed like that was extra hot.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. Gloria Learner

I like watching other women in p*** movies I mean I know they're faking and everything but they have some amazing tricks up their sleeves, well if they wore sleeves.

I find it stimulating but then it gets very 'samy' and it's really aimed at men who want to watch other men getting f***** as far as I can see. I like the kind of porn that has story and stuff, that's designed for women. It's not so easy to find, but I'm not turned on by those endless cum shots. I want to bit of romance and for the woman to be in charge and get a guy to go down on her.

As a heterosexual was really surprised that I was really turned on by watching gay male p*** but then there are two or more gorgeous man with huge cocks what's not to like.

I hate p*** but my boyfriend likes to watch it while having sex, every time it really puts me off and I think I know enough. The other day I asked him to give me cullenings and he said yes but immediately put on some porn. I complained and he said 'ok' and started to work on my pussy. Well halfway through, I look up and realise he had put the porn movie on with no sound. I was about to make a real fuss, but then I thought, fair enough, I laid back with my eyes closed to enjoy my own private fantasy about George Clooney.

It makes me feel physically sick, I just can't believe that guy's think those women are really enjoying themselves, making stupid faces. Yes, they understand wrestling is all acting, why can't they understand porn is too. Women with those gigantic plastic tits, I just think how painful it must have been to acquire those. I've got naturally large breasts and one guy actually asked me to lick my own nipples like it'd seem Porn too. So, yeah, it's gotten to the point where I feel like to go shave my vulva. What they don't think I'm normal? and some of them look like they had their labia surgically removed, that'll be the next thing, then we'll see the rest of us women will seem abnormal to have vaginal lips.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, in our nineties and beyond

Sex can be fun after 80, after 90 and after lunch. 
George Burns

Unfortunately George Burns view is not a widely spread notion. However I found the stereotype of older adults being disinterested in sex can be untrue. Younger people do not find it easy to imagine a grandparents as being sexually active, however, many adults in their 80s told me they were still interested in having an active and varied sex life and many value it enormously as a fantastic source of comfort and pleasure.
We can without question be sexual until the day we pass on, is a look after our sexual health. For sexual Longevity, health is more the defining factor than ageing itself. But even people in ill health with physical or mental disabilities can still find creative ways to have pleasure if they wish, but sometimes they may have to go the extra mile to work out exactly how.

Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
George Burns 

George Barnes was wrong about that one, as I said in previous chapters men do not automatically stop being capable of erections just because they are ageing and the fact that they may not be as firm or reclaim as they once were, does not mean their owners cannot give and receive men sexual pleasure.

As a young man I used to have for four supple members and one stiff. Now I have four stiff and one supple. Henri, Duc d'Aumale

Many healthy 80 year olds are surprised to discover that they still maintain the ability to have erections and even a partial erections. This can help it's owner achieve ejaculation. Due to the common mythology about sex and ageing, they had been previously convinced that this was impossible, or even wrong.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Conolly

Sexlife, in our sixties

What is sex like in our 60's? It's actually like it is at 30, you just get hurt when it goes wrong. 
Joan Rivers

In our culture there is the general notion that sex ends before old age. So our sixties and even earlier are considered to be a sexless time. There is absolutely no reason why this has to be true but, nonetheless many people believe it. Not only that but younger people are often highly judgemental about sexuality between older people and the latter are usually secretive about their continuing of erotic lives, for fear of shocking them.

Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle-age. William Feather

Adult children would seem to prefer that their parents play role models of 'Mum and Pop' and find themselves at bingo as opposed to ripping off each other's clothes friend evening of erotic fun. Whether younger people can accept it or not and how many prejudice there are about sexuality later in life, Sex is extremely important too many older adults. Having a happy and comfortable sex life at this age usually improves the overall quality of life, so it's worth trying to stay healthy enough to maintain it. Sexuality can actually improve as we age. Affection sensuality and even hot lusty eroticism are all possible and common in people of sixty and beyond. However we may have to do a little maintenance work. Some people accept the natural physiological changes that occur in our 60's but others are not so happy about them and worry they are doomed to a sexless old age.

Its been 20 years since I have sex. I got a pacemaker 3 years ago, when I was 64, for many years I felt esstranged from my husband and our relationship is become a marriage of convenience. But the thought of never having sex again my whole life makes me very sad.

Perhaps we buy into the idea that sex should and does end prior to middle age because of the lingering puritanical notion that sex is only for procreation, and once you become incapable of that you have to retire your pelvis.

I know my parents stopped having sex when they were in their mid 40's, and moved to separate bedrooms. I'm not sure why, they are both healthy and in good shape. When I reached the same age I had to fight the feeling that it was over for me, too. Fortunately my wife made it clear she was never going to give up, and now I now were in our 60s still getting fresh. 

Puritanism, the haunting fear, that someone, somewhere might be having a good time.
H.L. Mencken

Although some people try to be stoic, many are secretly terrified about their approaching old age. Fortunately some also obstinate:
 f*** aging gracefully, I'm going kicking and screaming.

But many men and women are still sexy and vital in the sixties and beyond and capable of a rich sex lives. They are often sexually confident and their experience counts for a lot, as they know their own bodies and they know how to give another person pleasure, and not afraid to try new things.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, in our seventies

Just because there is no snow on the roof, doesn't mean the boiler has gone out.

More people are living young longer and demanding a better quality of life in later years, so it doesn't make sense that as a society we should avoid being judgemental and disapproving of sexuality among Elders. I recognise that sex is a source of pleasure and comfort no matter how old a person my be.

Don't let the wrinkles fool you, you'll be surprised what we older folk get up to!

I only take Viagra when I'm with more than one woman.
Jack Nicholson 

Family discussions I've had with people in their seventies and eighties and beyond, it is clear that for many of them sexuality ranks pretty high on the list of priorities. Some may want it more others, some are actively looking for a partner and many long for information about sexuality in a particular age, and how to navigate bodily issues that can make sexuality a bit more challenging in the latter years.

The movies at all about romance between young people. There seems to be a little recognition that older people could be having the same feelings, let alone be acting on them. But my friends and I (mainly single at this point) are interested in similar things, we mainly kept quiet about it, because you don't want to shock our kids.

Many people in their seventies and beyond have complained to me they were there they would like to be taken more seriously as sexual beings.

The young people get all the attention, don't they? When I have sexual feelings I feel as though I shouldn't be having them and as I am an aberration, that I should stop all this nonsense and focus on knitting. At 78 my eyesight is too poor for knitting now, but it doesn't hinder me when I have relations.

There's one gentleman here and in our senior residence who's quite a wolf. He chases all the ladies and doesn't want to take no for an answer. Some of the ladies flirt back, but I wouldn't want to be sought cheap.

Many people in their seventies are sexually active. By that I mean they enjoy at least some aspect of sexuality such a self pleasuring, sensual-touch (genital or otherwise) intercourse with others and many other kinds of sexual contact. But not everyone valuse sex at this or any other stage and of course, it is perfectly possible to have a happy life and a good relationship without it.

Sex is off my radar, I'd rather finish the crossword puzzle.

The specifics of sex may seriously vary as we age, but it is still possible to enjoy it as an important aspect of our connection with others and a healthy, lifelong source of pleasure and effort.

One of my lady friends said 'You're a dirty old man (we were in bed at the time and she was giggling and she said it). I said, I may be a dirty but you're nearly 70 what does that make you? She thought for a moment and then she said I am a SOW. A sexy old woman,she replied, I just made that up.

Masturbation is common and a useful form of sexual expression to people in their seventies and older.

Don't knock masturbation, Its sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen 

For example, if one partner wants to be sexual but the other one doesn't there's no reason why the less interested party cant hold the other while they're bringing themselves to climax. In fact this is something that could happen any age for women with partners. Women who think they might want to have intercourse at some point in the future and need to keep their vaginas from atrophy, by using a penis shaped vibrator with a clitoris stimulator may be a good solution.

I hope my kids never find my stack of sex toys ,I feel putting them in a box labeled 'censored' in the event of my death, 'open at your peril'.

My yoga teacher is my inspiration, he Swedish 6 foot 4 inches. And to say he is a sight for sore eyes is an understatement. He gets pretty warm in the room and after 15 minutes his shirt is damp and he is sweating so much every muscle in his body is defined and popping out. I put my mat near the front of the room so I can see him, even smell him, is better. As I get home I think about him but I use my vibrator. That class is worth every penny.

At 78, I definitely don't advertise my sexuality as far as my family is concerned, I'm quite sure that if my children knew how hot and heavy Burt and  I get, they would be quite shocked.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Conolly

Sexlife, in our fifties

If you want to improve sex ask, 'what do you enjoy? what do you feel? because I care.
William Masters 
In our fifties new challenges may require us to work hard to maintain our sexual health navigating menopause, dealing with hormonal changes and having potentially serious diseases such as cancer can affect sexuality. However many people have fantastic sex during this decade partly because they're smart enough to slow down to enjoy it. Some are becoming empty nesters and actually have more uninterrupted time to spend in the pursuit of pleasure. It is common to believe that we automatically lose our sexual desire and ability as we get older, this is absolutely not true but certain changes do take place, and it's worth being aware of these so that, if necessary they can be counterbalanced inappropriate ways. For example many women find that in their fifties and beyond the lubricating progress takes longer, in other words the way their vaginas become slippery inside is different from when they were in their twenties and they may not produce as much fluid as they did in earlier years.
I remember when I was much younger I'd suddenly be aware of two things that seem to happen simultaneously. After I had mental lust for someone, I had a wet feeling in my crotch. Sometimes the it was so strong, it would make me dizzy. I used to feel embarrassed about the wetness, because I thought it was gush out and everyone would know. Things are a bit different now, I have to ask my partner to slow down because I need time to get wet enough inside. When I'm too dry sex can hurt.

These days I sort of know when I want to have sex with my partner. It can take me by surprise, once we start though I really get into it. I always get ready eventually, but if he answers me too early it doesn't feel comfortable We use personal lubricant sometimes but my favourite way to have sex with him to make me cum with his tongue first, then I'm wonderfully wet and enjoy intercourse much more.

Some women experience no difference in the amount of quantity of their vaginal lubrication others notice a changing of the mucus.

I used to think it was the consistency of 'bearnaise sauce' now it's more like a vinaigrette.

Researches tell us that as women age, both the width and length of the vagina decrease. In canvassing personal opinions about this, I found few women in their fifties and beyond were aware of that change. And several of them and said they didnt believe that this had occurred. But it is subjective isn't it? All of these women have sexually active.

I've been having sex with the same man for over 30 years we've always fit together nicely and I'm sure he would have noticed that it change.

During my 50s I had 7 or 8 sexual partners each with different sized penises that range from smallest to the large side and some were quite wide. I seem to be able to accommodate each of them perfectly well.

When I was 58 I was traveling abroad and had an affair with a much younger man, he was pretty athletic in bed and his penis was quite big and wide on the end. I was actually a bit nervous about keeping up with him, but I actually managed that quite well, except of my vagina is didnt seem to stretch as well as I did when I was younger and after prolonged intercourse they tended to be a bit of blood, he just thought I was having a period. As if!

Ask any married woman the difference between a husband and a toy boy and she tell you, about 3 hrs Kathy Lette

An extended period of thrusting isn't always what a woman wants, at any age, but it may be even less desirable for women who are not lubricating as proficiently as they once were (or are on hormone replacement therapy, which supports a lubricating process). Other sexual changes thought to occur in aging women is, as they approach orgasm the feeling of inevitablity is less obvious and doesn't last as long. I asked few women about this and most of them found it difficult to imagine.

I've never even thought about what happens just before I come, it's usually something Iike 'don't stop what you're doing or I'll have to kill you'.

Once I know I'm going to cum, I'm usually just trying to stay in that delicious state for as long as possible. I don't think that's changed at all.

Now that you've described it get it, you're talking about that period of thrashing trying to cum before the kids come barging in. Yeah it's definitely got shorter since they got old enough to know what we're doing.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, in our forties

Women are most fascinating between ages of 35 and 40, after they have won a few races and know how to pace themselves. Since few ever past 40, Maximum fascination can continue indefinitely Christian Dior 

The many people reaching 40 may herald the beginning sense mortality. Approaching mid-life is certainly sobering for many of us, even though we tend to fudge the exact age we think constitutes middle age. After all if we're going to live to 101 at 40 were no where near halfway. In earlier times turning 40 meant that women in particular where past it sexually speaking, but now we hear phrases like 60 years is the new 40. There are enough attractive 40 something female role models around to inspire women who are anxious about losing the ability to be considered sexually vibrant. At this point nevertheless many worry about it it's not our fault, it's not quite as easy to maintain health and fitness as it was earlier a decade ago. The relationship between our physical state and I'll sexual health is well established, some people begin to experience a poor quality of sex of course. Different people are at different stages of family and career. Some people have even chosen to leave childbearing to their late thirties or even beyond so they may just be beginning to deal with the sleepless nights and lack of time, inclination and privacy for sex that other people have experienced in the past. Some people in their forties may have kids who are slow in the nest and may feel free to become more sexually adventurous others may have become bored with a sexual Status Quo, some may be beginning to lose their confidence, notice signs of aging. In our society many people in their forties begin to sense a lack of interest from people they may have once had attracted to them, simply not looking at me the way they used to.

They still flirt with me and we have a great conversation the end of the evening, they say goodbye and disappear into the night with a 20 year old on their arm. Then I have to feel foolish for thinking they're interested in me and self-loathing sets in.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, In our thirties

Just when we thought we got it together, learned how to have sex with a partner and have some idea who we are sexually, we start facing challenges all kinds of nemeses dampen our fire. Children knocking at the door elderly parents requiring care, peri-menopause, (yes it really can begin and in our mid thirties) a sense that were not kids anymore. 

By now we should be giving some thought to taking proper care of our sexual health. 

Many people in their thirties of are in primary relationships for quite a few years, and this can mean being faced with the challenge of trying to keep our sex lives fresh and exciting. Some people in their thirties saw having to deal with certain sexual disorders such as low desire. No wonder there's a question on many people's lips is everyone having more sex than I am?

People desperately want to be 'normal' although as I've pointed out there is really no such thing. We should try not to compare ourselves to each other. What's normal for a mother and 2 young children. and an infant is probably having very little sex. She may not be enjoying it much when she does. 

It was hard to keep my desires in check. I wanted to have sex when I wanted it, but there were the kids, that activities, our jobs constant juggling. I wanted it to be simple but this was not realistic. Less busy people in their 30's feel their sex lives need a bit of a boost may start searching for ways to enhance that. Perhaps trying out new erotic techniques, sex toys, a looking online for erotic stimulation. 

Ok making whoopee doesn't necessarily require computer and the ability to type with your nose, but don't knock it till you've tried it. 

For some the thirties is, or was a wonderfully exciting time for sex. 

In my thirties I felt quite desirable and sensual. Sometimes I would make love to two different men in one day. It was in the 1970's, so there was the pill and UDI's. and before AIDS. So you had permission to do anything and everything whenever he wanted to. In those days I pretty much run by my sexual feelings. I didnt get married until I was 48. 

This testimony illustrates very well why we cannot necessarily generalize and nature of people's sex lives in each decade. Because world history and social environment have such a huge influence. For example the arrival of the AID's crisis profoundly changed our sexuality making people far more cautious and less experimental. 

I was in my thirties when the HIV/AID's scare started. I was terrified, and realized that the party was over. All that care free stuff you 'don't I care if you do it with' stuff I enjoyed for many years was suddenly over. 

I was married then, in a monogamous relationship, but at that time there was so much conflicting information. Some people were saying HIV could be dormant from years ago, so you never knew who had it. Essentially made me scared of sex. I even made a fully faithful husband where condom. 

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Out of the ordinary

When I ask people about their erotic lives some describe experiences that sound like the plots of porn movies. (Does life imitate art?). 

I was in an English holiday resort when I woke up and realized that someone was sucking my cock. I was in my twenties at been sound asleep. It was a cleaning lady. She had had one of those nylon coats on. Once I realized it was a woman, I didn't give a shit. 

When a man and woman of an unorthodox, tastes love the man, it could be said to be introducing his foible into her quirk.  Kenneth Tynan. 

There is a broad tapestry of human sexual behavior and some people are extreme players. 

I get my boyfriend to pretend to rape me. He hides in the bushes or in my closet jumps out and forces himself on me. I don't know exactly why like it. 

There was a girl I was with, she would phone her friend and tell her what we were doing. She gave her a running commentary on the whole thing, but the whole hippie thing was going on back then. 

Im into sensory deprivation. My partner is too. We have equipment that helps us achieve this we take it in turns to zip each other into this special bag.

When I met this man who iwas into tickling. When he first asked me tickle him I thought he was joking but when I discovered how much it turned him on and how good sex became once he was aroused by tickling. I was happy to oblige. I never asked him how he came to be turned on by that.

The psychiatrists asked me if I thought sex was dirty and I said 'It is if you're doing it right'  Woody Allan. 

Sadomasochistic behaviour is fairly common and seems on the face of it to have emerged from European culture but I've come across accounts of African tribes whose traditions includes whipping adolescent women with tree branches. So there may be something more universal about it. This kind of human sex play. After all the pain and pleasure centers in the brain are very close together. 

I like to be spanked I don't know why but it's one of the most erotic things. I can think of. 

It used to just a fantasy but a few years ago I found out that many people are into the same thing. Now I have a sex partner who is a real expert. Sometimes he bends me over his knee and gives me a delicious hand spanking. Touching my **** at the same time I cum very quickly that way. Sometimes he tells me to bring him my hair brush and uses the other end in my whole. He also has a whole collection of other instruments of sweet torture paddles, canes, suede and leather. Some hurt more than others but the way he does it, is so exciting I don't mind. 

Penetration was nice I was usually on the top. For some reason I gave up the vibe that I was serious 'top' Some gay men are attracted to bowed legs. I paddled guys and had a 3 way a number of times. This shinny stick guy just loved being dominated. He wanted to be slammed around and face. Once I was with him and my boyfriend in a 3 way and we were ruffling him out that bad he got scared and swung at us violently and broke my boyfriend's nose. 

Many people find BDSM. Bondage dominatrix, Domination and Sadomasochism Strangely erotic and yet it is another one of the normative range of human sexual interest. But there are important safety considerations. And anyone who is playing in this way needs to make sure it is safe and consensual. For example even spanking can cause permanent damage if its not done correctly. Getting some education from reliable sources is essential. 

My girlfriend is a real tortureer she likes to play with temperature and is pretty creative. She likes to light candles and drip wax on me. And uses ice in different places on my nipples. The element of surprise really works for me. 

Fetishes ism is also extremely common. People can become fetishistoc about almost anything. But those I hear most about are interests in feet, toe,s leather and vinyl. 

I'm extremely turned on by certain kinds of. female feet. The foot has to be high in the arch and be nicely manicured with bright red polish. I like high stiletto sandal or high heeled black lace up but the high heel boots are the ultimate. Not too many women let me cum on their feet. I usually pay prostitutes for that service.  Or I go to sex clubs and women might let me come on their shoes. 

There is no unhappier creature on earth than a fetishist who yearns for a woman shoe and has to embrace the whole woman. Karl Kraus

Some men prefer leather but I have a thing about latex. My girl dresses up in it from head to toe , and it really gets me off. I Like the latex knickers with the **** attached, and so does she.

It's a harmless fetish isn't? 

Again the criteria for different sex, safe, sane and consensual. The above scenario seems to satisfy all 3. 

I have what one text book I read called 'erotic interests in urine' it basically it turns me on to have a woman pee on me, but many ladies don't like doing it. 

The only unnatural sex act, is which you cannot perform. Dr Alfred Kinsey. 

 Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Sex as a weapon

Sex is normally a healthy activity but there are some instances when I saw some people use sex in various unhealthy or even damaging way. There are all kinds of reasons you can be used or hurt someone.

Looking back on it now, I guess I was using sex as a means of hurting myself. I had such a low opinion of myself,  I found all kinds of horrible older men, who are only too happy to collude with me.

My husband raped me after I told him I wanted a divorce.

When I was in my early twenties a very beautiful girl made a part play for me. I was living with a serious boyfriend so I don't understand why I was attracted to her. A couple of very erotic experiences but I kept thinking it meant more to her than it did to me. One day she invited me to her place and we started making love in the living room but I had an uneasy feeling and suddenly noticed the room seemed different with an extra wall. Then I realised that I her husband with watching us from behind in a two way mirror. It was really creepy, I got out of there as fast as I could.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Erotic risk taking

Some people find it erotic to have sex in places where there is a risk of discovery. 

When I worked in restaurants people would have sex in, walk in freezers (I don't recommend that), bathrooms or anywhere they could after hours. My lover and I really want to join the mile high club but we found it rather difficult, as there is always such a line of people and since 9/11 the cabin staff seem very vigilant about where people are all time. But at last we were travelling business class and the toilet Entrance was situated away from the main corridor. So we managed a quickie. I can't say it was very erotic, there's not much room and it's pretty uncomfortable bending over the loo for a fair bit of turbulence.

I've had sex a few times in the office, over a desk on a sofa, because either it's just now on we have to do it here, or it has been pre planned. Outdoor sex Im not a common fan. The reality carries a number of incidences including getting arrested.

I once had sex in a nature reserve it was jungle like and we ended up on the ground which is very exciting until we realise were on top of the giants ants.

During outdoor sex, frostbite, leeches on the labia, neck cramps from trying to keep one eye peeled for wondering psycho doesn't get a girl as aroused as a partner might think.

A combined erotic imagination of two or more people can lead to great creativity. Unfortunately I've heard of many problems occurring when reality erupteds the fantasy.

This girl had not told me she was living with someone, in the middle of a full on role play with her in a maid outfit on when her guy came home. Suddenly she made me hide under the bed and I was stuck there for hours.

We had a few drinks and ended up playing one of those dice games. We wrote down sexy things we fancy doing and numbered them from 1 to 6. The first one was my girlfriend's choice, Sex in a neighbor's swimming pool. Not only was is trespassing, the family was on vacation but the pool is overlooked by several other houses. The only saving grace was it was fairly late at night, so it's a good chance that people wouldnt notice. We crept into the garden and flipped over the pool, She wanted me to give her oral sex sitting on the edge of the pool that she's seen in some French movie. Then we got in the water and well and might have been all those beers plus the fear of being caught but I couldn't get hard for the life of me. I guess she was more turned on by Danger than me.

We had sex in a changing room in the lingerie section of a department store I'm sure the girl in the change knew what was going on, but it seemed like she's seen it all before. Afterwards I did a fork out for 3 bras and a couple of things as well, it seemed only fair. 

I know it's cliche, but I did have sex a few times in the broom cupboard at work and once in the room where they keep the copy machine. I have my own office but theres a huge glass window, so privacy is an issue. But I must say doing it standing up in the broom cupboard can be pretty heart stopping especially when you can hear your boss dressing down a fellow employee only a few feet away.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, Something on the side

In psychological terms having extramarital relationships with or without physical sex can be extremely stressful, it can be a huge strain and if the affair is discovered,  it can seriously threaten the marriage. In addition because human beings tend to meet similar types of people, often the situation is no less problematic than a primary one.

The first breath of adultery is the freest

It is difficult to find reliable statistics relating to the proportion of committed men and women. Naturally people do not want to come clean about their secret, many people think that it's men who are most likely to cheat. Judging from my clinical experience a very high proportion of women do to. Women appear to be more social and to desire monogamy. They can also feel conflicted about it.

I tell my girlfriends I want to be like Samantha in Sex and the City and date lots of men, even use them for pleasure the same way they traditionally use women. But it's always the same thing, I meet a cute guy date a few times, have fabulous sex. Then I asking the question that includes a word exclusive. Well that's a show passion killer for most guys and they always run a mile. I'm such an idiot I can't help myself. Somewhere inside me there's a housewife in an apron trying to break free.

Men may have a secret Sanctuary were only 1 woman may enter but its full of little rooms which are still vacant. Helen Rowland 

Some people cheat because they are bored and can't resist the opportunity for a bit of excitement, because they have lost the spark of sex in their primary partnerships, some people just want to feel desired for a change. Why others have extramarital sex, because they are angry with their spouses and want revenge, maybe that they feel neglected and require validation, for some people ageing is a factor that gives some reassurance. Others feel trapped in a marriage due to their financial restraint or not wanting to upset the children and having an affair is one way to escape.

He was a meat and potatoes type of lover and I don't blame him for that. However I had these urges to have the kind of erotic experiences that put me on a whole different pleasure pain plane and I was so incredibly cautious about sex. Once my lover took me to a professional dominatrix who ordered me to do all kinds of shocking things, another time I watched a woman dress my lover is a woman and then spank him and penetrated him with a dildo. I want to play parties where they were several rooms of people engaging in bondage, candle play, spanking, whipping all kinds of erotic torture. It was crazy, incredible time. Now that I'm older I still don't feel guilty about it, I look back on My Secret Life.

Sexual curiosity is a fairly common reason some people choose to stay, but there a great many more reasons. Being irresistibly attracted to someone else, not having much sex as they wished to have with a primary partner. Trying to make him or her jealous sometimes, it's because a partner is unable to have sex for health reasons, some people even have affairs in order to get out of an unhappy relationships, although this is usually and unconscious reason or having sex to become pregnant if it's not possible with a primary partner.

It was really hard to get my needs met in my marriage, it seems he had all the control and made his decisions, on top of that he had very little time for me, although he was quite available for his golfing buddies. When someone came along he paid me a lot of attention. I just couldn't resist that. I enjoyed the sex but the best thing was feeling I was appreciated. 

A partner suspecting can arouse strong feelings of sexual jealousy, something we all feel in certain situations but some of us feel it more intensely than others. Pain or sadness can be experienced by anyone at any age by anyone who is disappointed in love for a few people the desperation and hopelessness that they feel can lead to suicide or even homicide.

I was barely 20 and he was 11 years older, I was working and nightclubs to get myself through university, I usually didn't get home until 2 a.m. I walked in on him in bed with a woman I judged to be older, more beautiful and more sophisticated than me. She saw me first, sat up and shook him awake 'George you've got a visitor' I felt so betrayed the pain seems unbearable. I thought about throwing myself over and nearby cliff. He was my first and suppose that made it worse after two years together, when I thought we were best friends, he broke up with me and very suddenly very Cavalier way, I know he wanted to have the freedom to try other women. I was his first as well but I was enormously painful. I felt so betrayed and losing him became a much wider problem because I realise that most of the people in my circle were originally his friends so I became really lonely as well.

People let me know they feel sorry for me it was embarrassing and humiliating it would be over so I can start to pull myself together it's been 4 years now and I still miss him. I haven't been able to have sex with anyone since. 

Loss of love can lead to serious depression, human beings are essentially resilient and healing will take place eventually but psychological treatment should be considered if the pain last for a long time. It is necessary to seek professional help if there are feelings of hopelessness all sorts of suicide.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Sexlife, More than one

People are open and willing to try different combinations partnerships that maybe unusual or an acceptable to some people.

Nothing risque nothing gained. Alexander 

I had a mother and daughter once, they were Scandinavian. I was in bed with the daughter at home and she said someone's coming. This woman came in and she said 'it's my mother' I thought Im now in trouble, but the woman took her clothes off and go straight into bed. The girls were laughing or making jokes and Danish had obviously done it before.

One night in Birmingham, my friend Graham and I were staying with another guy and his wife. In the middle of the night Graham woke me up, and wanted all 3 of us to fuck his wife. Which we did it was great, as a bit of competition about who lasted the longest. The husband wanted to watch then they all got into a position where she was sucking my cock and trying to pee on Graham, but she couldn't do it. 

I met these two army chaps and trekking in the Himalayas, I liked them both and I not had sex for a while. Both men were in to me and I was trying to decide who to focus on, when it suddenly occurred to me why not have both? I let one of my fantasies come true. We were all in my hotel room, one of them excused himself to go to the loo. At took the opportunity to come on to one of them and let him know I was available to him. He then conveniently excused himself to go to the loo, and I started playing with the other one. They seemed confused at first, but eventually they got the idea especially when I went down on one and put the other one's hand inside my pants.

It was the most exciting real life fantasy I've ever had. Imagine, that has made me reach orgasm on many occasions since.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before Mae West

Sexlife, That's embarrassing

Of course sex is not always pretty. Everyone experiences some kind of embarrassing moment during sex at one time or another.

Once I had sex with this young man has a kind of gift. He had been so admiring of me and I knew that he had put me on a high pedestal for some reason. I guess I was feeling a bit unworthy of it or something. Anyway it was the kind of the charity fuck that I later regretted. Next morning I woke up to the sound of my own unbelievably loud fart and ensuing a terrible odour. He looked at me in horror and realised my queenly image had been irrevocably tarnished. He even told me about it which was a nice but probably served me right. 

Sometimes when I'm having intercourse particularly its rear entry theres this fart-like sound coming from my vagina when he thrusts. I imagine its air being trapped and released,  but its loud and embarrassing and distracting.  I've heard it called a 'Vart', I wish I could figure out how to avoid it happening. It's not very ladylike. 

When I cum I kind of wet the bed. A lot of fluid comes out. It can be embarrassing especially with new partners and I sometimes feel like a circus freak. Although some man Ive been with really like it. I used to think It was really a abnormal but when I went online and did some research and found out that I'm not the only woman who ejaculates. With me it doesn't spread out, like the women you see in porn movies. But a lot of creamy liquid does gush out. Even though so i need a towel to soak it up. Now I tried to warn potential partners ahead of time. That can work in either one of 2 ways. Either they are really curious, sometimes uncomfortably so, or else they run a mile. 

I got breast cancer when I was only 23. I have a lot of scarring from my mastectomy and only one breast. At first I used to dress up with lingerie and a padded bra that I never took off but one day I just decided I was going to show my partners who I was. They can either take it or leave it. It's a fast way to learn what kind of man you're with.

Dr Pamela Stephensen Connelly

Sexlife, Body image

The way we feel about our bodies generally has a significant effect on our sexualality, if we feel embarrassed by or ashamed of our physical selves, that will change the way we have sex and may even stop us wanting to have it all together.

I have an extra large labia. I think larger than normal. I had pain in my crutch when I was a teenager and I asked my mother to tell me what might be the matter, when she saw my labia she reacted like I was an alien and bought the whole bridge club in to take a look. It was so humiliating, later on I had a boyfriend with an unusually large penis. When we broke up he said he thought he'd never find someone who mashed info genitally. He called me his Hottentot.

I've struggled with my body image for as long as I can remember. In early 2007 I was diagnosed with anorexia and BMI was less than 15 of the time. My BMI is now 19 and I'm still in the treatment faze. I hate the shape of my body and I hope someday I may change my feelings about my body. It has affected my sexuality and my past relationships. Where I have struggled to have any form sexual activity. 

But women aren't the only ones who may experience poor body image.

I have an unusually thin penis. When I was a teenager, this got round my school and the name 'pencil Dick' plagued me for many years. I compensated by building my body, so I attracted lots of women but I never wanted to have sex with them as that was meant they would learn about my tiny little secret. I found a woman who seemed kind and understanding and married her, eventually learned to please my wife and keep her perfectly happy sexually. But I wonder how my sexuality would have been if I hadn't been born that way?

Men's insecurities about their penises, especially size often start in childhood. Its not too difficult to sell an insecure man a bottle of snake oil if you can convince him that it will make him larger than the next guy.

Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest Neil kinnock 

Men resort creams, potions, herbs, prayers and even surgery in the hope of achieving larger penis. In several other cultures men modify their penises, often through dangerous processes such as splitting them, infibulation, inserting pearls or other objects under the penis skin to achieve a rigid affect. If only men could understand that the vagina is very accommodating organ, you can be happy with most sizes. In fact an overly large penis can be more of a problem, than a small one and that in any case many women are far more interested in how a man pleases them in non penetrative way.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, Sexual preference

An important aspect becoming sexually mature is working out exactly what kind of sex we prefer. Discovering exactly what kinds of sexual behaviour is the most pleasurable and communicating that to a partner as well as being able to discuss, what one enjoys requires an advanced level of exploration. It's also a never ending process, as a sexual tastes change throughout the lifespan. Some people evolve at the tertiary education stage of sexual discovery with great openness and truly experimental sensibility. Some even seek new experiences with new partners,  just for enlightenment sake.

I suppose I was just lucky have quite a number of partners both Men and women most of them more experienced than me. They taught me different things. I just loved how sex made me feel before during and after. I was completely open to learning all kinds of naughtiness. When I think back to some of the things I tried ,doing it in a public library, doing it with 2 men at the same time, being a woman's sex slave, I it was wild and wonderful and I don't regret any of that for a second. 

I came out in my late teens. So I was already comfortable with who I was as a lesbian. In my mid twenties I was came to find out what turned me on, but I really wanted to learn how to simulate all my partners. It became clear that every woman is different, that's when I realized listening to her body was unique.

Well some are keen to seek new experiences deliberately, others prefer to let things develop more organically by allowing feelings for special individuals with who they fall in love with to lead to the giving and receiving pleasure that seems right at the time.

I never chase women like some of my friends did, they were into sport f***ing. But I never got the point of that. To me the greatest pleasure is to really get to know one woman, to saver every inch of her body and learn how to really excite her. That's what really turns me on making her scream with pleasure. 

Sexual style develops slowly and at some point it may have to be adapted to suit changing circumstances.

I had a serious car accident when I was 22. So now I have to make love in a different way. Since I could no longer feel anything below my hips. My partner and I began to experiment with up a body sensations. At this point sex is about having a close emotional connection with him. Giving him oral sex so he can come by kissing and stimulating my nipples. 

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, What turns you on?

People respond differently to various types of stimulus. Some are most turned on by visual cues perhaps the sight of breasts, buttocks, legs or muscular arms. While others thrill to sexy words whispered in their ears. Another group of people are so tactile in their programming that nothing beats the sensation of touch itself.

Men love without their eyes, women love with their ears. Za Za Gabor

That may be true for many people, but that is not always the case. It's worth learning about one 's lover's responses whether they are more visual, auditory, kinesthetic or olfactory. After all,why waste time dressing for sex if your partner would rather you mastered the fine art of erotic conversation?

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs, except over the phone to people i do not know. Garry Shandling. 

Or what if your lover would prefer you to pay more attention to allowing your own natural aroma to invade his all have senses?

The big turn on for me was her smell. I never liked her to wear perfume because her own sent is so arousing.

I'll be back from war in three days, Josephine don't bathe! Napoleon Bonaparte.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, Is it taboo?

Highly uncomfortable, unexplainable sexual reactions that appear to violate strong societal taboos do occur from time to time. It's best simply to notice the feelings that they arouse in us, and then put them in perspective, in other words, Thats strange and uncomfortable, but Im not going to really act on that.

I did once get a very strong erection while trying to comfort my grown up sister, who was upset about something, and I once had an erotic dream about my brother. I found both totally unexplainable and neither occurred again.

I was standing beside my dad in church singing a hymn, I must have been around 19, and I suddenly had a really uncomfortable sexual feeling. I felt wet in my crotch and terribly guilty. I mean it was Gods House and this was my own father. The feeling did not last very long, and nothing like that ever happened to me again, but it was uncomfortable enough for me to remember over all the years since.

The enormous range of sexual patterns and behaviors that exists among mankind illustrates that there is rich normative variation and we should not be too quick to judge anyone. Certain sections of society have developed different sexual views and behaviours from others because the general rules are different. For example, sexual mores in some areas of the worlds rock n roll are probably shocking to many outsiders.

We'd come off stage and there'd be woman waiting for us in the green room. We didn't know who they were and we didn't care. Some guys would do it then and there, while others would fuck in the van. The women had favourites. Some groupies liked guitarists, some preferred singers. They chose you, not the other way round. The groupies were in charge, a lot of people don't understand that, they were always in control. A lot of it was about cock sucking. I thought there was not a lot in it for them, but apparently there was. And there would be a share system, if there were four guys and three groupies, the one who finished first would send her along to the fourth ones room like room service.

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, The pursuit of pleasure

Most of us do it way too fast. For both men and women sex is usually much better and stress free if our goal is simply to give and receive pleasure, taking out time about it rather than to race to orgasm.

Remember if you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast. Woody Allen.

And despite common beliefs intercourse is not necessarily the best or most important part of heterosexual love making. The term 'foreplay' invites the idea that intercourse is the 'main event' and that anything else is just a secondary build up.

Don't get me wrong I love the feeling of having him inside me, Feeling filled up by his body and feeling the full lusty force of his passion is fantastic and really drives me wild. I feel close, bonded totally in love with him, and totally validated as a woman. But still that part of our love making is all about his orgasm not mine but I want to come, it cant be while he's moving inside me, it has to be at a time where the focus is all of me. 

Not everyone relies simply on the manipulation of their genitals for orgasm. The simple fact that people can have orgasms in their sleep simply illustrates this. And number of people with physical disabilities have found extraordinary ways to climax. Even managing to relocate their erogenous zones to parts of their bodies that still retain feeling.

I have a spinal cord injury, so I dont have any feeling in my genitals. But I get really turned on in other ways. I love being touched and rubbed on all the parts of my body that I can still feel especially my nipples and that combined with fantasizing gets me to orgasm. 

We can also learn a lot from gay and lesbian people you can have fantastic sex without the traditional Pattern.

Unlike many of my friends I'm one of those gay men who does loves penetration. When my lover is deep in my anus it feels amazing on a purely pressure pleasurable level but it's also kind of spiritual.

Different sexual acts have different meanings to different individuals and we should never make assumptions about what meanings might be for our partners. Thats where deep discussion and personal disclosure in an atmosphere of trust and safety can really take our sexual intimacy to a whole other level.

When I first came out and was experiencing with women who were established members of the lesbian community. I made the assumption probably from visual images, DVD's and so on that using dildo's and such to stimulate would be pretty standard. But with my past friends we have never done that. Preferring oral or manual touching to bring each other to orgasm. I'm usually hate vaginal penetration in any form, because I was rapped in my early teens, I was glad to find there was great sensitivity about that among women I met in the lesbian community. And in fact many of them had the distaste that penetrate penetrative sex. For me being held, stroked and above all feeling safe really does it for me. 

I do enjoy penetration either with a dildo or my girlfriend's fist, I find it super erotic or occasionally by a man. But having something in my vagina is not necessarily part of love making for me, and I;d say that happens only about a third of the time. 

If we take the time to teach our partners exactly what we like instead of expecting them to read our minds, we will have much more pleasure and pleasure to give it as well.

Julia told me how to make a come with my tongue. I was brought up with all the usual guy talk about vagina's being weird or unpleasant. But when I got down there I loved it. I loved her scent and I loved the taste. What an incredible flower, so many delicate folds and she guided me and I experimented myself with little flicks of my tongue in certain places that would drive her wild. Just feeling her excitement was an incredible turn on for me. She would gush into my mouth and I meant gush. 

The first time I ever enjoyed oral sex was with a guy who was a real 'sex machine' he was very good at it. With most guys I never really enjoyed it. 

As a bisexual I find that men a usually are better at fellatio. Their touch is less tentative, and that's how l like it. But I know women are much better at the tease they tend to drive me crazy and as a result. Women also take time to focus on my nipples and other erogenous zones, whereas men tend to go straight for the money. 

Dr Pamela Stephenson Connelly

Sexlife, Ejaculation

Men and their partners have varying views about the length of time it takes to reach orgasm. Some men are so excited to be inside a woman's vagina or anywhere else they climax rather rapidly. If this occurs quickly than their partner wish, either of them both perceive it as a problem. 

In sex as in banking there's plenty early with drawals. Cynthia Nelms.

His finest hour last minute and a half. Phyllis Diller. 

Early ejaculation is more common when men are young, which is one of the reasons why their partners often consider them to be better lovers when they are older. Having said that intercourse that goes on and on forever It's highly overrated and I can make a woman board and sore. 

Men can either come too quickly or take too long. Premature ejaculations so or Oh my God the ceiling needs painting. Kathy Lette

Our biological responses are certainly major instigators of our sexual responses, but there are enormous benefits for those who also manage to employ their intelligence to improve their love making skills. 

My brain is my second favourite organ. Woody Allen. 

In fact the brain can control ‘Woodies' favourite organ to some extent.

For example men who tend to ejaculate earlier then they or their partners wish can actually learn ejaculatory control and sustain a longer period of thrusting. Once again a longer thrusting is sometimes desirable for partner and sometimes it is not- but many men regard it as a sign that having sexual prowess if they can last.

I once made love for an hour and 15 minutes, but it was that night the clocks was sent ahead. 

Garry Shandling. 

I don't think a man is automatically great in bed if he goes on and on for ages. In fact some of the most exciting times when you just do it in 5 minutes. Cheryl Tiegs

Some men have the opposite problem their moment of ejaculation is delayed or even nonexistent. This becomes a particular issue in the case of the man who is in partnership with that trying to achieve pregnancy. However most men can learn to ejaculate with or in a partner if they wish.

Dr Pamela Stephen Connelly

Sexlife, What is adult sex?

Many people believe that adult love making should involve being able to have really good sex. Satisfying sex is something we have to learn it doesn't just happen. There is potentially the freedom to perfect love making skills in our twenties but many young adults are still confused. Many find it difficult to pleasure their partner, while others simply cannot find one. 

All the while there remains a gap between sex as widely promoted marketing tool on what people are really feeling. Is sex peculiar to modern society, have we have recognized sex to a shadow existence?, or failed to understand our sexual responses?. Many are downright uncomfortable within normative bodily responses and many actually can be unaware of what exactly happens in their bodies during sex. 

Well it's no wonder is with all the adult censoring of sexual expression up until now. The need to hide  desires or lack of education is quite unreasonable to expect. Will a person will become entirely sexually healthy, so proficient without a lot more work?. 

Some people believe that embracing spontaneity. 

When I was in my twenties sex just happened I barely thought about it. Spontaneity is all very well and lovely, without considering the consequences of sex but it can cause more trouble than it's worth. 

See the problem is God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robert Williams. 

What exactly does happen in our bodies during a sexual experience? Does the term 'sexual experience' really mean anything? from having a flirty verbal encounter with a stranger on an aeroplane to a telephone conversation. Sex is anything that involves arousal of a sexual nature. 

My son's best friend from University and I was standing in line in our kitchen after the best tea party it was awesome. He was simply helping me with the dishes. But his presence made me nervous. I had been aware of his interest in me, but I tried to ignore it. He suddenly picked up the largest strawberry and placed it close to my lips, he had such a look of boyish gooey eyes that I felt compelled to open my mouth wider and swallowed. He smiled triumphantly as I swallowed it. Afterwards I was stricken with guilt. It was the hottest wickedest experience of sexual penetration I've ever had while fully dressed. 

Sex with the right man is a beautifully moving and lovely, Sex with a stranger on a train in the dark is even better 

Even just desiring to have sexual contact with someone is a human experience of sexual nature. Sexual researchers have tried to analyze and informally describe the human response form anticipating a sexual act through to the finale. The famous researcher William Masters and Virginia Johnson came up with the model of the human sexual response in four distinct stages. Excitement plateau (a kind of leveling off) they thought happened just prior to the rush of the orgasm, Resolution where the body returns to its previous state. 

Since my penis had a mind of its own, it really influenced me. I have to do it right away, it won't take no for an answer. So if an awful woman in question brushes me off my right hand has to do the dirty work. I still look at the woman after she has let me inside of her and think my penis is less discriminating me.